


Hurry Up and Wait

by Whreflections



Category: Kane (Band), Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Animal Death, Cancer, Horses, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-25
Updated: 2012-09-25
Packaged: 2017-11-15 00:39:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/521212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whreflections/pseuds/Whreflections
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared came to the University of Tennessee because he can't imagine doing anything with his life other than veterinary medicine. Falling in love with the horses, that he kind of figured was a given. Falling in love with Jensen was never part of the plan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer…every place I mention in here is a real place. All the info about said places is made up. Aka I don’t think they play live music in the Longbranch, the horses up at Cherokee I'm sure are very well cared for, etc. I just took the setting and constructed everything else on my own.

_Forgive the urgency,_   
_But hurry up and wait_   
_My heart has started to_   
_Separate_   
_Oh, oh, oh_   
_Be my baby_   
_I’ll look after you_   
_-Look After You, The Fray_

_  
_He wasn’t sure why they called it a personal statement. Honestly, they wanted the _opposite_  of personal. They wanted you to sound official,  _right_ , wanted some bragging about the things you’ve done and what you’ve ‘learned’, just the right amount of self righteous reasons about why they should take you(not the real reasons you wanted to be there, mind, just the reasons they wanted to hear), and a pinch of groveling, also about why they should take you. And maybe an explanation for why some of your grades sucked, but only if it was something like, ‘so my mother died as we were crossing the Pacific to go over and help underprivileged agricultural villages in Indonesia’.   
  
Basically, they wanted as far from personal as it got. If he went with personal, it would have gone something like this:   
  
 _Hi. I’m Jared Padalecki, and I came to the University of Tennessee as a guy from Texas who’d never been any farther from home than Florida. I didn’t want to come here, either, I wanted to go to A &M with my friends and go on to vet school there, but my family just doesn’t have that kind of money. The thing I really appreciate about here is, you’ve got a great vet school with a wonderful oncology program that gets better all the time, and in state tuition really isn’t that bad as far as vet schools go. And believe me, we looked around.   
  
So I moved here and worked a year before I even started college, cause the assholes in the admissions department won’t even let you  **try**  to start getting in state if they even think for a second you moved here for school. I got two jobs, one at a clinic and one at a barn, and I’ve loved both for the past five years. They’ve been educational, sure, and that’s been great, but they aren’t the best part. Well, the best  **and**  worst part is that I’ve found out leaving high school friends I didn’t have much in common with for friends that I could do anything or nothing with, friends I’ll have all my life; that’s worth it. Whether I get accepted to vet school or not, it’s been worth it.   
  
And I do hope you’ll take me; I want it almost more than anything. I can remember being eight and finding our neighbors cat Buckle after he’d been the victim of a hit and run, and I held his head in my lap on the ride to the vet, his body wrapped in a towel. He died on the way, and I knew then what I wanted. Don’t get me wrong, I know you hear this all the time, but I think it’s silly to say you don’t wanna hear about the moment that made us realize this is something we  **need** , because even if it’s all variations on the same thing, it’s part of what made us who we are.   
  
Closer to home than that, though, my dog Sadie’s dying of cancer. I was interested in oncology before(it’s part of why I came here, like I said), but now it means more to me than ever. I’m not stupid; I don’t think I can  **save**  her if I do this. She’s going to die, six months, maybe less. I know that. But if I do this, maybe I can save someone else’s Sadie, buy them at least a couple more months. That’s all I want out of this, the chance to give someone like me good news about someone they love.   
  
I’m not the best student. I’m alright, and I try, but sometimes life just gets in the way. I take my dogs for hikes up in the Smokies on the weekends, I work hard at both jobs and I go to my friends’ band’s shows down at the Longbranch on the Strip. I spend pretty much every spare minute and some of the ones on the clock with my best friend who’s also my roommate. Jensen Ackles, you’ve probably heard of him; he works up at Cherokee and we call him ‘the goddamn horse whisperer’, cause that’s what one of our horse hating professors called him when I first met him. He’s amazing with them, and he’s taught me more about horses than I ever could’ve learned in a classroom. I’m in love with him, and if he doesn’t get a job here next year he’ll be going back to Texas to work his daddy’s ranch, but even so, I’m still applying here, which should tell you how much I want to be able to do this job someday. I go home to San Antonio, Texas when I can, and the last time I got two speeding tickets on the way back just to make it in time for biochem at 8 AM. I fell asleep in class anyway, but the point I’m trying to make is that I try, but I’m also a real person not a library rat, and isn’t that what you claim you want? I’m just a guy who’s had this dream nearly his whole life. I just need you to give me a chance, and I promise I won’t let you down. _  
  
Jared jumped when his phone vibrated on the desk next to his laptop, and he sighed and highlighted everything he’d written, deleting it and closing the window. He flipped the phone open, cocked it against his shoulder. “Hello?”   
  
“Writing that personal statement?”   
  
Jared groaned, slid down a little farther in his chair. “Man, I hate this application shit! They don’t want to know me they just want some perfect little…” He gestured hopelessly, even if Jensen couldn’t see him.   
  
Jensen laughed, low and soft. “Yeah, I know. Sucks. So glad I didn’t have to do that for grad school.” He shuffled the phone, sighing dramatically. “Jay…you made me  _promise_  I wouldn’t come pick you up for the show unless you finished it. Literally, I swore on…I dunno, something important. It was Saturday night.”   
  
Saturday nights were usually spent drinking at Chris’ place, so that explained why he couldn’t remember. “I know…but look, I’m goin’ crazy here. Literally, I’m just starin’ at a blank screen, man.” Well, he’d gotten something written, it just hadn’t been the personal statement they’d want. A waste of his time, honestly, but it wasn’t like he’d been hard at work anyway. “C’mon, just…I’ll write it when we get back from the Kane show.” No, he wouldn’t.   
  
“No you won’t! You’ll hang out with me and then you’ll go to bed and get up at the ass crack of dawn hating yourself for letting me be a bad influence.”   
  
“You’re not a-“  
  
“Yeah, whatever. Hey, I’m comin’ in.” He should’ve been able to tell that anyway by the way Sadie and Harley had bolted from his side to the kitchen and were whining expectantly at the front door. The line went dead just before he heard the door open and shut, followed by the sound of Jensen going to one knee in the kitchen to greet the dogs.   
  
“How’s my girl, huh? How’s my favorite girl?”   
  
“Far as I know she’s your  _only_  girl.” He ambled over to lean against the doorway, smirking over at Jensen and laughing when he rolled his eyes.   
  
“And who’re you dating again?”   
  
“Shut up.” He acted like it didn’t bother him, really. In one way, it didn’t. He didn’t  _want_  to be dating just anyone, and there definitely weren’t any girls he was interested in. There was just one person he was interested in, and he wasn’t interested in dating them so much as he was interested in committing to them. Not that that mattered, really, because if something hadn’t come out of it in four years, nothing was going to.   
  
Jensen ruffled Harley’s head before he stood up, keys jangling in his hands. “So…we going?”   
  
“Yeah, absolutely. Just give me a minute to grab some dinner to eat in the car.”   
  
“Don’t bother, there’s nothing. I gotta go shopping tomorrow; think we’re even outta Ramen. C’mon, I’ll stop at Krystal and we can grab you somethin’ on the way. You feed the dogs?”   
  
“Yeah.” He patted himself down, looking for his wallet, and he was just about to start looking around when Jensen spoke up.   
  
“On the table.”   
  
He snatched it up, shoved it into his back pocket and took the door, holding it open as Jensen slid out. They’d go to the show at the Longbranch, have a drink with Chris and Steve afterward, and maybe get back to the apartment by 2 AM. They’d talk, he’d go to bed around 3, be up at 6 to run before class…  
  
A glance at the calendar by the door told him it was September 15th. The entire application was due by October 2nd, preferably sooner the Dean’s office had told him. He didn’t have much time, but he wasn’t going to worry about it just now. He could do that tomorrow. Reaching down, he deftly pushed Harley’s nose out of the crack in the door before he shut it.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
Back in his freshman year, Jared had been lucky. At a school this big it was sometimes hard to make friends, particularly if you didn’t live on campus, but when he met Jensen that had brought him to a ready made set of friends, both of them great guys he’d have probably never met otherwise.   
  
Chris was from Oklahoma, and he’d been Jensen’s best friend ever since they’d met on a Texas playground when Chris had been down to visit relatives. Jensen was 5 and Chris was 9, and ever since he’d saved Jensen’s ass from a bully beating up on him they’d stuck to each other like velcro. Steve was from California, the odd man out in that sense, but when he and Chris were assigned to room together their first year they’d connected instantly. They were both 3 years older than Jensen, and though Steve had ended up going five years instead of four, for the most part the two of them had stuck around town because they didn’t exactly have any place better to go. Well, sort of.   
  
They  _needed_  to go to Nashville, he and Jensen both knew that, but it was hard to break into the music business and they weren’t quite sure enough of themselves yet. So, they stayed here and worked, played Kane shows when they could and partied hard with Jensen and Jared after them, and life was good.   
  
It wasn’t until the first Kane show he’d seen that August that he’d realized that this was the last time he’d do all of this as an undergrad, maybe even the last year he’d be seeing Kane here at all, because if Jensen left that’d be one less thing to hold Chris in this town, and Steve would be willing to go wherever Chris wanted, inevitably. They were practically joined at the hip, even more inseparable than ever since they’d given in and actually gotten together. Steve had been openly bi as long as they’d known him, and though everyone who knew the two of them had seen something building for a long time, it had seemed to come as a surprise to Christian when he hauled off and punched Steve’s former boyfriend when it came out that he’d been cheating on Steve. The fight had escalated, Chris had gotten arrested, and somehow, somewhere in Steve yelling at him after picking him up from jail, Chris had managed to get across just why he’d been so upset. No one else had actually been present for that conversation, and though the two of them had never elaborated Jensen was willing to bet money Chris hadn’t so much said something as just jumped him in the car, but that was something Jared didn’t really want to ponder in detail.   
  
Point was, they were perfect together, and it would’ve been even better if it hadn’t taken them years to figure it out. This was something else Jared thought about often, even if he knew he shouldn’t.   
  
The clunk of glass on wood shook him back to his senses, and he looked up in time to see Chris leaning against their table, two cold beers in his hand and sweat sticking his shirt to his arms. “Here. Brought you two a little something.”   
  
“You guys are kickin’ ass up there, you know that right?” Jensen said it was certainty that would’ve defied anyone to doubt him, but it was the rough affection on the edge that made it even better, made Chris’ grin widen like crazy.   
  
“Ah, you guys’re biased. Show is goin’ pretty well though.”   
  
They always did. If only there’d be more of a crowd here to see them. Steve had hopped down from the stage behind him and he took him a little by surprise, wrapping one arm around Chris’ waist as he leaned around for a quick kiss.   
  
“Back on in 5, babe.”   
  
Chris nodded, shifted a little more into Steve’s space as he reached for the shot of Jack he already had waiting for him at their table, downing it with almost disturbing ease. A few months ago, this whole scene would’ve been utterly impossible. Not only had Steve been dating Aldis at the time, but Chris would’ve sworn on anything put in front of him that he was 100% straight, no goddamn question. Not that there was anything wrong with being gay, but hell no he wasn’t himself! It was amazing, really, how things changed.   
  
His eyes cut over to Jensen beside him, to the way his fingers wrapped around the neck of his bottle, the muscles in his throat that moved when he swallowed. It made his mouth go dry, and he took a grateful gulp of his own beer, praying for the millionth time that he’d never been as obvious in practice as he felt looking at it through his own eyes. It was just…well, he couldn’t help but think about it. It was right there in front of him in Chris and Steve, proof that something that looked impossible could sometimes work out. It made him think about crazy things, about just going for it, waiting for the next song to start and then leaning in and pulling Jensen in for a kiss before he had time to think it through.   
  
“Jay.” Jensen kicked against his foot, and he looked up, startled. “Something wrong?”   
  
He smiled, just enough to put Jensen at ease. “Just thinking about the application, you know?”   
  
Steve spoke up then, leaned across the table to offer him the bottle of Jack. “Well, forget it. We hardly ever get you these days, this is our time.”   
  
He took a drink, passed it to Jensen and listened to Steve talk about the new strings on his electric. When they went back to the stage, he wasn’t exactly surprised when Jensen asked again, his voice just a little softer. “Seriously, are you-“  
  
“Yeah, absolutely. Just distracted, that’s all.”   
  
“Dude, you’ve gotta get out more. I think you’re starting to turn into a serious student, and you know I can’t let that happen.”   
  
“Weren’t you telling me earlier that I needed to-“  
  
Jensen cuffed him on the back of the head, and out of the corner of his eye he caught Jensen’s grin. “Shut up and drink.”   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
In his defense, when he met Jensen he didn’t expect things to turn out like this. Although, wasn’t that true of everybody? Jared wasn’t sure he believed in love at first sight, because it wasn’t  _then_  that he realized he was in love with Jensen, but he hadn’t ruled it out. Maybe people really  _did_  fall in love off a first glance, and it was just our too highly developed brains that kept us from acknowledging it until later. Sometimes he liked to think that, because if that were true maybe Jensen knew, somewhere deep down that he hadn’t been able to acknowledge yet.   
  
Yeah, right. And maybe Jared would get a full ride to A&M without even applying, and then daisies would start growing on the sun.   
  
Anyway point being, he hadn’t expected this. But then again, he hadn’t expected anyone like Jensen either.   
  
 _“Alright, everyone, gather around over here and I’ll talk you through our lab for today.” Jared shuffled over closer, ended up stuck at the back between a railing and about 5 kids he didn’t know. There were cattle in the pen behind him, snuffling at his jacket, and he couldn’t lean against the gate because everything was still damp from that morning’s rain. It was October and cold, and even though he’d already been here for a year and sort of gotten used to it, he was missing Texas something fierce. Especially right now. He’d have wanted to be here if it was just the horse lab, but he was stuck here during Forrest Austin’s class, lecturer in the Animal Science department and asshole extraordinaire. He hated horses, and even if he hadn’t been a jerk in a variety of other ways, that would’ve been enough to make Jared hate his class.  
  
The guy rambled on about the correct way to hold a halter and how far to stand from your horse, and Jared couldn’t help but wonder how many kids here  **seriously**  needed that lesson. Apparently some of them did, though, because a handful of them were looking at the docile old horse Austin had on a lead like it was the hugest most intimidating thing they’d ever seen in their lives. Maybe they’d been under the impression that going pre-vet through animal science would mean they got to work with chihuahuas.   
  
Austin was moving on to how to tie a quick release knot and Jared was zoning out, but just then there was frantic whinnying from the barn over to the right, and his head jerked up, falling on a horse that had probably once been beautiful. At the moment, she was a wreck. Her belly was covered in more fly bites than anyone could have ever counted, and she had a wild look in her eye that was more pain than anger. She’d reared, and when her striped hooves came down she shimmied away from the lead pulling back from the TA that held her.   
  
The TA looked at a total loss, really, and she looked more than a little scared. She was making no attempts whatsoever to reign the poor horse in, and Jared was just wishing he could go over there and try to do something when a guy came out of the barn. He hurried over, unafraid, and he took the lead and gently pushed the girl back. He was talking to the horse, clicking to her, and though she reared on him twice more he got her circling soon enough. He reached for her neck to pat her and she wheeled on him, teeth bared, and he cracked her lightly across the nose with the lead, shushing her the whole time.   
  
In a matter of seconds, he had her with her head hanging over his shoulder, body quivering but quiet, and when he rubbed her nose she returned the affection. It was incredible, and Jared probably would’ve kept staring for a very long time if Austin’s voice hadn’t risen just then.   
  
“Alright, get a lead rope, get in the pen and get a horse. You’ll tie your horse to a secure location and then follow the lab to groom them and check their vitals. Tell the TA when you’re done and she’ll clear you to go.”   
  
Austin had kept talking through the whole thing without even noticing, apparently. Idiot. There were any number of horses in the pen that Jared could’ve chosen, but he went for the girl that that guy was still talking to, rubbing up under her mane as he did.   
  
“That was impressive, calming her like that.” It just tumbled out, and he froze where he stood, still a couple feet away.   
  
The guy looked up, though he only nodded and didn’t smile. “She’s a wreck. Poor girl; I’m not surprised. Can’t imagine when the last time she had fly repellant sprayed on her was with the state she’s in.”   
  
He’d been thinking the same thing, and feeling pretty disgusted with the way the people here clearly treated these animals. He couldn’t help but be a little surprised that someone who  **worked**  around here would’ve been ignorant of it, and he was about to try to find a way to word that when the guy kept talking.   
  
“Hell, I think there’s something wrong with 90% of these horses. I’ve been checkin’ ‘em over since I got this job a week ago and it just makes me sick. It’s one thing to have research animals and a whole other to treat them like **this**.”   
  
Personally, he wasn’t exactly fond of either but he didn’t think he really needed to say that. From the distasteful way the guy’d talk’d about it, it didn’t seem like he was too fond of the practice either. “That’s horrible.” Jared spoke softly, stepped in just a little closer to run a hand down her neck. She turned to snap and the guy(who he could see, now, had **beautiful**  green eyes) popped her lightly on the nose with the lead rope again, just enough to get her attention and remind her to behave. “Where’d she come from? Pretty varnish roan appaloosa like this, I’d think she’d have been someone’s western pleasure horse.”   
  
His eyebrows rose, and it was clear he hadn’t been expecting Jared to be quite that knowledgeable(which was, to be honest, part of why he’d said it). “Who knows…I try not to look into too much about how they got here and I certainly don’t want to know where they’re going when they leave.” He looked over, their eyes meeting. “You have horse experience?”   
  
“Yeah. I work at a barn, and I took a few lessons, back home in Texas.”   
  
 **That**  got a little more out of him. He smiled, shifted the lead rope to hold out his hand. “You and me both then. I’m Jensen.”   
  
“Jared.” His handshake was strong, his hand rough, and Jared pulled his hand back pretty quick.   
  
“Here. You wanna take her? I can hear Sissy out there pitchin’ a fit.” He could hear it too now, come to think of it. Some horse was whinnying, the noise carrying just enough of an angry edge that it seemed she was ready to pick herself a fight. Well, it made sense. Keeping this many mares together there were bound to be fireworks. Jared took the lead rope, and he made the mistake of watching Jensen walk away rather than watching his horse. She got his arm, just barely, and he flailed a little aimlessly before smacking at her with the rope, reaching up with his other hand to grab her halter and jerk her face away. It didn’t break the skin but he was gonna have a good sized bruise, and it served him right.   
  
He shook his head, focused back on the task at hand and led her around to the fence, talking soft to her as he tied the knot. Around the corner Austin leaned against the fence talking to the TA who’d shied away from the horse, and Jared could just barely make out the conversation.   
  
“Look at him there, see? It’s ridiculous. He’s the goddamn horse whisperer.”   
  
“Hey, I just wanna know if he’s single.”   
  
Austin laughed, the sound carrying. “I wouldn’t bother. I hear nearly every female animal science major out there tried and failed with him. He’s too much in love with the damn horses.”   
  
“Well, there’s a first time for everything.”   
  
The appy stomped her foot, nearly hitting his toe, and Jared shook himself, forced himself to get his mind off Jensen’s way with horses and focus on the horse right in front of him. _  
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
Loving Jensen without ever saying a damn thing about it(or even letting himself really think about it) was hard enough, but it’d gotten even worse when Jeff found out. Jeff was basically the most amazing boss ever because he was really hardly a ‘boss’ at all, at least, in most of the way people took the word. He’d taught Jared how to work in the barn and he still taught him about training and working with the horses all the time, but he was never demanding, he couldn’t have cared less if Jared showed up two hours late to work, and he’d become far more Jared’s friend than his employer a long time ago despite their age difference. They’d been having a few shots one night after work and Jared was just at that point where he’d have started telling a bank robber his PIN number if someone didn’t stop him and Jeff had brought up the fact that he was a pretty good looking guy and it seemed insane he hadn’t had a girlfriend since back in that first year before he ever went to school.   
  
It had been drunken and slurred but he’d gotten across that he’d been in love with Jensen for a long time now and if Jeff had been all the way surprised he hadn’t shown it. Or at least, Jared didn’t remember him showing it but then again he _was_  drunk. Either way, Jeff had taken it far too well, because now, he wouldn’t really shut up about it. Well, he would, occasionally, but he still brought it up far too much for Jared’s liking.   
  
“He was in here yesterday lookin’ for you.”   
  
Jared jerked a little, the hand that held the carrot pieces he was feeding to Dino shifting up to bump his nose as he ate. “What? Why?”   
  
“Said his phone died and he couldn’t call you, and he was thinking the schedule had said you were up here yesterday afternoon.”   
  
Well, that was reasonable, considering how much his boss at the clinic shifted his schedule around. If Laurie could just keep the damn thing on some sort of fixed cycle, it’d be easier for everyone involved to remember. But of course, that would be too simple for her. That really did explain a couple things, though, cause he’d wondered why when he got off work at the clinic he’d had a missed call from the barn office phone, because if Jeff wanted him he always used his cell. Jared nodded, reaching up to scratch at the white blaze on Dino’s face.   
  
“Jared, come on. He’s crazy about you. Boy can’t even seem to handle not knowing where you are for an afternoon.”   
  
 _And, here we go_ … Jared sighed, stepped back and turned to head down the aisle in the other direction. “Not this again, ok? He’s not, it’s not like that, he’s-“  
  
“How do you know? How do you even know when you haven’t-“  
  
“I  _know_ , ok? I just know.”   
  
“How? Jay, come on…” Jeff jogged up behind him, smiling a little sadly but still managing to look nearly half his age when he looked Jared in the eye. “I can see it in him. I can, I promise, and I’m not makin’ it up. The way he gets when he sees you, the way you two are always together…it’s there. It really is.”   
  
“No, we’re just…close, ok? I’m his best friend, and that’s  _it_.” Jeff opened his mouth, ready to rebut him already but Jared held a hand up, stopping him. “No, listen to me. Really listen, because I’m not talking to him about this, alright? He’s…he’s  _Jensen_. When he knows what he wants he goes after it, like with the job and the horses and pretty much everything else. I mean, sure he’s shy or aloof or whatever on the surface but I  _know_  him, and he gets what he wants. If he’d wanted this, he would’ve gone after it a long time ago.” A fact that he knew all too well and had to remind himself of all the time. Really, he honestly  _didn’t_  need Jeff bringing this up. It was always there already.   
  
“Yeah, ok, but what if he just doesn’t realize it?”   
  
“ _Jeff_ -“  
  
“No, I’m serious! I mean you’re right; you two are best friends. This could’ve turned into somethin’ more for him without him realizing it yet. Happens to people all the time.”   
  
“Yeah, in romantic comedies. Not…life.” He reached out to snag the arm of Jeff’s jean jacket and he pulled him out of the way so he could get into the office, yanking open the drawer and fishing out his keys. “Look, everything’s done, I’m goin’ home.”   
  
“Oh, c’mon, Jay…Look, we’ll talk about somethin’ else, alright? I just…I just think this could work and I’d love to see it happen for you cause I hate knowin’ how crazy this whole thing’s drivin’ you, especially now that-“  
  
“If you want me to stay for even 30 more seconds, I’d like that change of subject. Now.” Because if he didn’t, he was  _gone_.  
  
Jeff leaned into the doorframe, shook his head once and raked his fingers through his hair before he could answer. “So…wanna saddle up Romeo and I can grab Kodiak? I haven’t taken a ride in a couple weeks.”   
  
Considering Jensen and Jensen associated problems were all he could think about just then, the thought of a ride sounded really good. “Yeah. Yeah alright.” He managed to pull up a smile from somewhere, tossed his keys down onto the desk. “See? Was that so hard?”   
  
“Excrutiating. C’mon, let’s go.”   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
In Jared’s dream world, it went something like this:   
  
He got into vet school. That was always there, and it was always one of the first things he thought about because yeah, it’d been his dream  _forever_. Jensen had stayed. He’d gotten the full time job at the college  _and_  the job at the breeding farm he wanted, and they were still living together at Steeplechase apartments. Only now it was a one bedroom, and he could wake up every morning with Jensen nestled in next to him. He didn’t exactly have any reference for how Jensen was about sleeping with someone else in the bed, but if his other sleeping habits were any indication Jared was pretty sure he’d be the kind to drape all over him. Not that he’d mind. Sadie was healthy, miraculously cured. They could make it back to Texas whenever they wanted without getting speeding tickets or worrying about being late for 8 AM classes the morning after spring break finished. They’d sold Jared’s Camry and fixed up Jensen’s truck, and it now looked good as new. You’d never be able to tell he rolled it in that accident.   
  
And in his perfect little world, Jared had Romeo. Romeo was a thoroughbred, grey and huge and absolutely beautiful. At 17 hands high he would’ve been intimidating to most people but he was perfectly Jared sized, as Jen put it. He was sweet and smart and all around this wonderful, amazing horse that could’ve had a future in jumping or dressage or any kind of riding at all, really. Thing was, a horse like  _that_  cost money. Lots of it. And Jeff, he might’ve been Jared’s boss, but that’s all he was, just a manager. The barn owner, Mike, he was the one who bought and sold the horses and to him the fact that Jared had all but proposed to this horse meant  _nothing_. He was just a commodity that needed to be sold for the ‘right’ price, and it was money that Jared didn’t have and probably wouldn’t ever have.   
  
In a lot of ways Jeff was a better friend than Jared could’ve ever asked for, and one of those was the way he kept deterring possible buyers. He’d try to shy them away, downplay Romeo’s virtues and underline(or sometimes downright make up) his faults. It’d worked so far but Jared couldn’t be naïve enough to think it’d work forever, and his plan of winning the lottery and being able to afford Romeo’s price wasn’t really all that feasible.   
  
For the most part, he tried to just not think about it. For now, for as long as he was at the barn, Romeo was as good as his. This was a horse they’d started to train together, him and Jensen, and it had been one of Jared’s first real training successes. Romeo’d come in straight off the track and he’d been a mess but together, they’d found the real Romeo underneath the natural thoroughbred nerves that had been upped to insane levels of jitteriness by a life on the track he’d never been suited for and certainly hadn’t wanted.   
  
 _Jensen’s hands smoothed across his neck, his voice dropping just a little lower as Romeo stomped and shuffled, skin twitching just under Jensen’s fingers.  
  
“He’s been like this since he came in off the trailer yesterday.” Jared shrugged, hands shoved down in his pockets as he leaned against the stall door. “Worse, actually. This is improvement. He’s been jumpy as a bull all morning.”   
  
Jensen nodded, hearing him but not yet answering him. He cupped a hand over the bridge of Romeo’s nose, refusing to let go when he tossed his head. Romeo skittered just a little more at that, neck arching as his head tried to toss but Jensen let go of the grip he had on skin and bone and wrapped his fingers around the noseband of the halter, yanking his head as gently as he could back down into a less panicked position, a soft hum hovering in his throat.   
  
“See this?” Jensen spoke soft, low enough that Jared needed to inch in a little closer. Jensen’s right hand smoothed down Romeo’s neck again, and he shushed him. “This is why dad hates thoroughbreds. I love ‘em, but…well, you can see. There’s hardly anything more high strung out there except maybe Chris after too much coffee-“ Jared laughed, and Jen just kept going, the corners of his lips turning up into a smile as he talked, “-and this guy’s much worse off for just coming from the track. He’s got no basis for a normal life, no basis for...” He shook his head, side stepped expertly when Romeo almost stomped his foot. “I wanna get on him.”   
  
Jared blinked, the shock finally enough to draw him in all the way, right next to Jensen’s shoulder. “Are you  **nuts**? He’ll…he’ll kill you, he’ll-“  
  
“Wuss.” The smile he tossed back over his shoulder was just enough to make sure Jared knew he was kidding and then his attention was back on the horse dancing nervously in front of him, Jensen’s eyes serious as he looked him over. “It’s alright, I can handle him. It’ll be good for him. Still…” He glanced back, their eyes meeting. “You’ll call dad and tell him why I can’t come home if this doesn’t-“  
  
“Shut up; I hate you!”   
  
Except that he couldn’t, not when Jensen grinned at him like that. He reached back and shoved against Jared’s shoulder, rough and familiar. “C’mon, Jay. Lighten up and get me some tack.” _  
  
In the end, Romeo had thrown Jensen twice that first day. The second fall was worse than the first, resulting in a minor concussion, and though he’d spent some time chewing Jen out about the whole thing Jensen had been  _right_. The only thing that really helped Romeo in those early days was working him whether he wanted to be worked or not, getting out there with him and showing him the new ropes, and after awhile it felt much less like taking your life in your hands.   
  
Jeff was just up ahead on his paint, Kodiak, and Jared clucked to Romeo, got him to pick up the pace just enough to bring them even.   
  
“What’d he say?”   
  
“Hm?”   
  
“When you told him I wasn’t here, what’d he say?” Honest to God, he had no idea why he was asking. It wasn’t like they were 12 year old girls, after all…not every word Jen said had some kind of hidden meaning.   
  
“Oh, and I thought you didn’t wanna talk about-“  
  
“ _Jeff_ -“  
  
“He was…I don’t know, bored. Honestly, he looked like he felt a little left out.”   
  
Jared sighed, his hands flexing on the reigns. “But what did he  _say_? Did he need something?” Hell, like it mattered.   
  
Jeff shrugged. “He tried to call you, then he said he’d just meet you at home.”   
  
 _Home_. Their home. It’d be nice if that’s what it actually was. 


	2. Part II

“Jen?”   
  
“In here!” Jared dropped his keys on the table by the door and headed back toward the sound of Jensen’s voice, finally coming to the door to his room where Jared leaned against the frame. Harley’s tail beat energetically against his legs as he swirled back and forth, nose vacuuming Jared’s pants like he’d never smelled a horse before instead of it being a smell he encountered nearly every time Jared came home. Sadie wriggled just out of reach, her whole body twisting with excitement when he leaned down to stretch a hand out to her past the wrecking crew that was her brother.   
  
“Look at you workin’.”   
  
“A little bit.” Jensen was hunched over the desk, Aggie football playing silently on laptop perched precariously on top of a cardboard mini refrigerator box. He only ever sort of watched the games, but he liked to pretend he was a really a fan, that he really paid attention. Jared had never called him on it.   
  
“Papers?”   
  
“Yeah. I swear…” He stretched, his shoulders popping as he arched back over the rickety computer chair before he swiveled it around so he could face Jared with a tired smile. “We did  _not_  write this bad as freshmen.”   
  
“I dunno, man. I’m sure some of us did. You remember that kid that was in my class, the one with the vest?” The same vest, every day all year.   
  
Jensen chuckled, rolling his eyes. “Alright, well other than Vest Guy, I’d say our generation might have reached some sort of pinnacle, cause from what I’ve seen it’s all downhill from here.”   
  
“Makes it easier for us in the job world, then.” As soon as he said it he wished he hadn’t, and he flinched just a little inside at the way Jensen’s smile faded. “Hey, c’mon, Jen…you’ll get that job, I know you will.”   
  
“Yeah, maybe.” He didn’t sound hopeful, and that just made it worse. Lately, Jensen hadn’t been able to muster much hope up about the situation at all. The whole stupid,  _stupid_  job situation. If he was gonna justify staying here next year rather than going back to the ranch to help his dad, he needed a stable job. Right now his position with the university was tentative at best, and though they’d acted like he was a shoe in for a full time lecturer position, that hadn’t materialized yet. Beyond that, there was the extravagant breeding farm about 45 minutes away that he’d applied to offer his experience in horse reproduction to. There the barns were cleaner than most people’s houses and if Jen could land  _that_  job he’d really never need to work anywhere else again. If only. Trouble was he was a new graduate and the economy sucked and if they were hiring someone for a position that important with those  _damn_  rich horses, they were more likely to go with someone they knew had experience. Unfortunately.   
  
All things considered the university job was the one Jensen was banking on, and it was in that job that Jared had been putting his hopes, because if he got in and Jen didn’t get it, then this would be it. The last year they spent together.   
  
He wasn’t ready for that.   
  
Jensen stretched again, shirt riding up just over his jeans and Jared forced his eyes to flicker away, clearing his throat before he spoke. “Look, ‘m gonna go shower…when I get back I’m kidnapping you.”   
  
“I’ve still got-“  
  
“You’ve been doin’ it all afternoon.” Without even asking, he knew that much. He could see it in the tension in his shoulders, in the fact that he’d already taken his contacts out and switched to his glasses the way he did when his eyes were really tired. “I’ll be right back.”   
  
He stopped in his room just long enough to snag pajamas before ducking into the bathroom. He shut the door behind him quick, and just before he switched on the shower he could hear Sadie settling in to rest against the door, ready to wait on him however long it took.   
  
The shower was warm, the heat welcome on the well worked muscles in his shoulders, and though he hadn’t exactly planned it he couldn’t keep his hand from travelling south when the image of Jensen stretched back in his chair popped into his head. He’d felt guilty about this in the beginning and somewhere in his mind he still did a little but mostly, he just _wanted_ , and if the only place he could have it was in his head then, well…  
  
He tightened his grip, stroked himself sure and quick and let himself for just that moment think about what it might feel like to straddle Jensen’s lap, push his shirt up a little higher and actually touch skin. Jensen would grab his hips, rock up into him and make a soft, low noise that Jared would be dying to hear. He’d unfasten both their jeans, let their cocks touch as they thrust together, hands free to pull each other closer and _God_ , yeah, it’d be perfect. Jared bit his lip when he finished, hiding a quiet groan. When he turned his head to lean against the shower wall and take a deep breath he could smell traces of Jensen’s shampoo, the scent wafting from where the bottle rested on the caddy just under the shower head, and he let the scent settle deep into his lungs.   
  
He only cut off the water once his breath had evened out, the residual heavy heat fading from his limbs. He barely toweled his hair dry before he yanked on ragged cotton pants and an old t-shirt, only just bothering to check the time. It was 1:20, and even though they both had classes tomorrow all things considered it wasn’t too late yet. He went right into Jensen’s room, not slowing as he came up behind him and reached over his shoulder to yank the pen out of his hand.   
  
“Jay-“  
  
“Uh-uh. C’mon.” He yanked on his shoulders, letting his hands linger as long as he dared but not quite as long as he’d have liked. “We still got that frozen pizza?”   
  
“…yeah? Maybe?” Jensen took his glasses off, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. He really did look exhausted. “Guess I am a little hungry.”   
  
“Well that’s good, cause I’m starving. Wanna watch the last Man. United game? Think I remembered to tape it.”   
  
“You didn’t, but I did. Set the DVR for the next few, too.”   
  
“It’s all those brain cells I’m losing to biochem. Good thing I have you around.”   
  
“…you actually saying you were  _smart_  to begin with?” Jared was just pulling the pizza out of the box and he took that opportunity to chuck the empty cardboard and Jensen’s head, laughing when he deflected it just in time to send it crashing into the wall. “You’re right, though. Don’t know what you’d do without me.” It was teasingly smug, and Jared tried to laugh it off though he wasn’t sure if Jensen could hear the strain.   
  
He wasn’t sure what he’d do without him, either.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
Some things in life happened organically, without any effort and when you least expected them. Even if you had plans, sometimes something better just came along and swept you right along with it. Moving in with Jensen had been like that.   
  
Jared had a place, of course. After all, he’d needed somewhere for him and the dogs the minute he got to town, and it didn’t make much sense for him to move closer to campus, really. At least, that’s what he’d told himself. He didn’t have any friends other than Jeff, and seeing as Jeff lived out in the country he wouldn’t be missing too much by not being right there at the center of all the typical college action. Plus, he had the dogs to worry about. There wasn’t too much pet friendly downtown, not unless he wanted to live in a neighborhood even he’d be scared to be out after dark in.   
  
So, he put up with the occasional roaches and the downright sadistic staff and a couple of bizarre neighbors, because what were those things, really, when they were weighed against the benefit of having his babies right there with him. It wasn’t the Ritz, but he could deal. Not that he didn’t need to talk about it, sometimes. He told Jensen everything, and it was in one of those rambling conversations while they were mucking out a stall up at Cherokee that he mentioned it was around the time for him to resign his lease.   
  
It was one of those moments he’d never forget, heightened of course by the fact that at that point, he’d already realized that he was more than a little in love with his best friend. Jensen had been leaning on his pitchfork, head cocked in thought for all of 2 seconds before he said, “Don’t sign it.”   
  
At first, that was it, simple and out there, and Jared had floundered for a minute before he’d thought to ask why. The answering , “Just move in with me. Mine comes up in a month or so, we’ll get a bigger place then.”, should’ve probably stunned him, but it didn’t. It felt right, it made sense, and he’d said yes before he was even sure what he was saying.   
  
He’d moved in, slept on the couch for a month and a half, and then Chris and Steve had helped them both move into the place at Steeplechase. His brother had cautioned him that sometimes moving in with your best friend was the worst thing you could do if you wanted to  _stay_  best friends, but he’d gone through with it without any expectation of trouble, and there never had been. They’d slipped into a life together, as easy as breathing. No matter how many times he told himself it didn’t  _really_  mean anything, there was still a stubborn pleasure at the back of his mind that kept track, something like a check list of things he  _wished_  meant something. Living together with their only fights being few and very far between, that was one of those things.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
Jared had tried to click on ‘submit’ about 20 times already. He’d come close, his finger hovering over the button, but he just couldn’t bring himself to give in all the way and  _really_  push it, because once it was done, he couldn’t take it back. He’d been working on this application since the first of September, but really it’d been longer than that, because this moment, it was one he’d been working toward his whole life.   
  
He sighed heavily, pushed his chair back hard enough that he nearly tipped it over.   
  
“Gotta do it sometime, Jay!”   
  
Jensen was in the living room, watching TV on mute and grading quizzes on the coffee table. He’d come in a couple hours before, flopped back on Jared’s bed and let Jared talk to him about how huge this was but how he wasn’t going to think about it any more once the button was pushed, but that was ages ago now and he still couldn’t bring himself to just get it over with even though he knew he’d feel much better once he did.   
  
Distracted, he didn’t hear the footsteps on the floor, didn’t notice anything until he felt Jensen’s hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly. “Here. Get up.”   
  
He didn’t protest, just got out of the way and let Jensen sit down. His eyes skimmed over the screen, taking in all the check marks beside the boxes. It was all done, Jared had checked that himself about 5 times already. There was literally nothing else he could do.   
  
Jensen sighed, leaning back in the chair to meet Jared’s eyes. “You want me to do it?”   
  
He hadn’t thought of it, hadn’t thought Jensen would offer but yeah, that probably would help. He swallowed, rubbed his palms nervously across the thighs of his jeans and tried to forget that once it was turned in, he couldn’t change anything. Not that he was going to anyway. He nodded, slow and hesitant, and Jensen didn’t do anything at first, just turned the chair a little farther toward him.   
  
“Jay? You sure?”   
  
Yeah. God only knew when he was gonna get up the nerve to do it himself. “Yeah. Just do it.”   
  
“Ok then.”   
  
Somehow, Jensen made it look easy. One deep breath, and then he clicked the button, followed quick through the confirmation screens and closed the window before he turned around to faced Jared again, leaning back in the computer chair.   
  
“Done.”   
  
“...God, I feel sick.”   
  
“Oh come on, they’re gonna love you! You’re perfect for this, seriously. You care more about animals than anyone else I’ve ever met.”   
  
It sounded good to hear him say it, of course, but that didn’t make it true. “Are you kidding? I’m…my grades, I-“  
  
“Alright, cut it out.” Jensen sat forward, elbows on his knees, and their eyes locked. “Look, here’s the deal…it’s October, Jay. Your senior year. You won’t know  _anything_  till March, and you won’t be any good to them if you have a heart attack by December, so from now until you get that first letter, no talk about the application or vet school or how much you think you suck. Ok?”   
  
It made sense, sure, but something like that was far easier said than done. Still, he nodded once. “Yeah, yeah you’re right.” He cast around, tried to think of  _something_  that didn’t have anything to do with how his heart was about to burst from nervous energy, and he went with the first thing that came to mind. “Think I’m gonna take the dogs for a walk.”   
  
Jensen pushed out of the chair, his fingers trailing over Harley’s hand when Harley stood up to nose at his hip. He’d heard the word ‘walk’ for sure. “I could finish up with these later, tag along, unless-“  
  
“Yeah, that’d be great.” He waited till Jensen was out of the room, on his way over to turn off the TV. “Jensen…thanks, man.”   
  
Jensen shrugged, shaking it off. “Hey, anytime.” It could’ve sounded dismissive, but that was the difference with Jensen. He always sounded like he meant it.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
“So I’m thinking, I’m going off regardless, I might as well be thrown before I get to the point where I’m gonna hit the fence post, y’know?”   
  
Jensen and Chris were both roaring with laughter, Jensen shaking his head as he tried to get the breath to speak. “God, Chris, he was priceless…this mare’s pitching a holy fit, and I was just telling Jeff that I think he’s doing pretty damn good to stay on, and then there he goes flying, right over her neck. Couldn’t’ve planned it better if I’d tried.”   
  
Chris was still chuckling, eyes sparkling with amusement as he reached over to swipe a couple of fries off Jensen’s tray. “Keep goin’ at this rate, Jay, you’re not gonna have enough brain cells left to make it through next semester much less vet school.”   
  
“You know, out of the three of us, considering I’m the only one who has yet to get an actual concussion, think that means I still trump you two.”   
  
“No, just means you’re a lucky son of a bitch. Speaking of which…” Chris took a drink of his coke, leaned across the table to get a little closer. “Heard Austin talkin’ the other day.”   
  
“Yeah?” Knowing him the way he did, Jared could hear the edge of strain to his voice, just barely there.   
  
“Yeah. He was talkin’ about how he’s tired of bein’ the youngest one here, how the program needs some new blood. I mean, it’s perfect, you’re exactly what they need.”   
  
“Well, I hope so.” He was smiling, but even that wasn’t quite real and he knew Chris had to be able to tell too. Christian was right, it made perfect sense, but it was getting harder and harder for Jensen to believe when he hadn’t heard anything. Besides, that’d be assuming the University would do something with their money other than siphon it into the football program. Forget the fact that there were no real facilities for the horse program,  _football_  trumped everything else.   
  
“Hey…” Chris’s voice was gentle, a little coaxing, and Jared looked up at him too. “They’re gonna take you, Jen. I mean, it’s kinda beyond me why you wanna teach a bunch of punks like we were-“ That got him a laugh, at least, “-but you can do it. I know you can.”   
  
“Yeah. Yeah, we’ll see. “ Jensen shifted, and Jared could just feel the change in subject coming. “So hey, about Saturday night-“   
  
The rest of lunch went smoother and it didn’t come up again, but that afternoon Jensen sat out in the grass on the old Indian mound and called his dad while Jared tried to sleep in the still-warm October sun. The conversation was stilted and just a little uneasy, and he could tell when it turned around to a petition for Jen to come work the ranch when Jensen suddenly had some work to do.   
  
He stretched out next to Jared in the grass, arms brushing Jared’s as he tucked them back behind his head. Jared swallowed, felt his heart dance unsteady in his chest.   
  
“Jensen.”   
  
“Hm?” He was somewhere between tired and irritated, with a side of faked drowsiness.   
  
“New rule, ok? You can’t talk about the job either.”   
  
“Keep adding rules and it’s gonna turn into some elementary school pact.”   
  
“Hey, I just think fair’s fair. That way we’re even.”   
  
Jensen snorted, honestly amused. “We gonna make a blood pact now too, huh?”   
  
“You know, I never did that as a kid. I remember seeing guys doing it, but mom had told me to be careful to never touch anyone’s blood. Not that I knew what AIDS was back then, but still I-“  
  
“You were the good kid, listening to mom. That’s cute, Jay, really.”   
  
“Jackass.” He elbowed him, left his arm in place right up again Jensen’s side. Jensen didn’t move away.   
  
A flock of geese flew overheard, calling out into the clear air, and Jensen tipped his head back a little to watch them as they went over. “Why don’t we go out and do the corn maze tonight?”   
  
“I’ve got a paper due Thursday.“ Jensen sighed, a longsuffering sound, and Jared smiled. “…though I’m sure I can do that tomorrow.”   
  
“Damn straight.”   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
It was back in high school that Jared figured out he was bi. He never questioned his sexuality, never given it much thought at all other than to know he could talk about girls with guys just as easy as any of them could. He was sure looking back that he’d had crushes on guys before that, but it had always been in bizarre ways, ways that he hadn’t really all the way recognized as attraction. In any case, it had been his sophomore year that he’d really realized it. There was a transfer student that came to the school, tall(though still not as tall as Jared himself) with spiky blonde hair and bright green eyes. He was openly gay, and while there’d been the kids that railed on him because of it, for the most part he said he was having a better time there than at his last school. Jared had fallen for him shockingly hard, and he hadn’t even had time to absorb it before he was kissing August out behind the school one afternoon.   
  
It was that that forced him to full realization, although honestly, he hadn’t been that scared. He’d been shocked, completely floored, but he’d known the minute he kissed him just how much he enjoyed it so that fact kind of trampled over all the ‘I can’t possibly feel this way’ freak outs that could’ve happened. He’d always been close with his parents, with his mother in particular and when he told them, they were a little surprised but no one panicked. It was life as usual, and with a couple weeks he was brining August over for dinner. It was good while it lasted, but in the end they were different people and the relationship didn’t last. Since then, Jared hadn’t dated another guy. There’d been those he found attractive in passing, sure, but no one he was full on interested in, no one even that he could’ve dated if he’d wanted to. He’d had girlfriends or he’d been single, and he wasn’t the type to sleep around.   
  
He’d known that, but the truth was, everyone had to go through a period in their life of challenging absolute certainties. It seemed that way, at least. If you knew something about yourself, eventually it was going to come into question, if only because karma decided you needed a good slap upside the head. Really, he was pretty damn sure that had been the reason.   
  
The problem was Jensen. Hell, when wasn’t the problem Jensen these days? He’d met him, fallen for him, become his best friend and therein lie the problem. You could read as many books as you wanted, watch as many sappy romantic comedies as possible and still you wouldn’t grasp the full reality of how much it sucked to be in love with a friend. Jensen had never referenced his sexuality, not once. Looking at it economically, it made no sense to say anything. The potential gain didn’t outweigh the potential loss, because not having Jensen all the way, that he could survive. Not having him at _all_ …well, he could’ve before he met him, but not now that he knew different.   
  
It was frustrating on several levels, because though he could’ve dated someone else(and he’d actually tried to, briefly), there was just no interest there. Well, not any  _relationship_  interest anyway.   
  
Halfway through sophomore year, they’d gone out to one of Chris’ parties. This one had been huge, overflowing with people Jared had never seen, and he’d been drunk as hell. Still, he could remember it all. The memories were a little hazy, like looking back through frosted glass but he remembered it all. There’d been some girl playing pool with Jensen, and he’d sidled up behind her, hands over hers on the cue and Jared just couldn’t stand to watch anymore. There was a guy he’d met earlier that night, a friend of Steve’s with bright red hair and dark eyes and a pierced tongue that felt so different when they first kissed.   
  
They’d made out back behind the house, pressed up against the wall with brick digging into Jared’s thigh, and he’d decided then that sure, why the hell shouldn’t he just go through with it? There he was, 21 years old and though he’d had sex he’d never once had sex with a man. He deserved to know what he was missing. That had been the progression of his drunken thoughts, at least. Looking back, he wished he could’ve had the presence of mind to realize they  _were_  drunken thoughts(but then again, that would have hinged on him knowing what he was doing. Once again…drunken thoughts.).   
  
As first times went, it could’ve been much worse. Particularly considering the whole going into it with a stranger thing. At the same time, as first times went, it sucked. The guy’d been nice, and he’d been mostly careful, but Jared hadn’t exactly broadcast the fact that he was a virgin and besides, he’d been too out of it to properly care too much that it hurt a little more than it probably should’ve. It was fine and he got off on it, with a little work, but it wasn’t anything memorable or even great, and it should’ve been. He woke up sore and alone and asleep on Christian’s bed, and the minute he was all the way awake, he regretted it.   
  
Really, he had Chris to thank for a lot because that morning things could’ve gone a hell of a lot different. Chris had seen What’s His Name leave the night before and he’d gone in to check, shut the door when he left and let Jared sleep. He’d told Jensen Jared had left with Steve, and Jen had gone back without him. He hadn’t told Jared that at first though, just given him the glare of fucking death and handed him a glass of water without a word. Jared had sat up to take it, took a sip and winced against the pain in his throat and the light and the fact that he wished he could rewind time by about 12 hours.  
  
When he could unglue his sandpapered throat he’d managed to scratch out “Please don’t tell Jen.”, and the anger had drained out of Chris’ eyes like shifting sand. He’d muttered a little under his breath about Jared’s stupidity and how he hoped to God he’d learned his lesson. With Chris, that was about as close to an ‘Are you ok?’ as he knew he was going to get, and he’d been grateful for it. Chris had let him lay low there nearly all day, and by the time he got back to the apartment he’d been ready to lie to Jensen pretty damn convincingly.   
  
No amount of lying could make him less obviously hungover, though, and Jensen had made him Ramen and black coffee and teased him in a way that was far more affectionate than cruel. It made his chest ache, and he knew right then this wasn’t something he’d repeating. Since then, there’d been no one.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
“Merry Christmas!”   
  
“…go to hell.”   
  
Jared laughed, scrunching down a little more into the warmth of his hoodie as he nestled back into the corner of the sofa. Not that he’d ever tell him, but Jensen’s early morning anger was too amusing to ever be effective.   
  
“That’s pretty harsh, you know. And here I am, calling to spread Christmas cheer-“  
  
“Calling to make me wanna kick your ass, that’s what you’re callin’ to do.” Still grumpy, but he sounded at least a little more awake. It usually happened gradually like that.   
  
Jared shifted the phone over to rest against his ear, reaching over to pluck a piece of wrapping paper off Sadie’s ear that had gotten stuck there when she rooted through the path of destruction left after the family had all finished unwrapping their presents. They’d been done about 10 minutes now, and he’d figured it was past time he called Jensen.   
  
“Hey, I was nice! I’ve been up for over an hour, you know.”   
  
“There’s something unnatural about you.”   
  
“Jared?” His mom’s voice from the kitchen caught his attention, and he twisted around to look over the back of the sofa. She was in the kitchen, spatula in hand as she leaned around the doorframe. “Oh honey that’s alright if you’re on the phone, I was just lookin’ for someone to help me with the bacon.”   
  
“It’s ok, mom, I can-“ He was cut off from two directions at once, Jensen in his ear and his mom from across the room.   
  
“Yes, God, please take him.”   
  
“No, no, you’re fine sweetie, I can get Megan to help me. Megan?” Megan was currently curled up in the chair by the fire, legs kicked over the side as she started in on devouring one of the books she’d gotten. She stood up at that, though, making sure to shove Jared lightly as she pushed past the sofa. From the kitchen their mom was still talking, rambling on. “-and you tell Jensen he’s welcome to come down and stay, anytime, alright?”   
  
Jared cocked the phone up a little higher. “You hear that?”   
  
“…not quite.” He still sounded ruffled, and Jared could just picture him in his room, squinting hatefully against the light.   
  
“Mom was saying you should come stay with us for a few days again.”   
  
There was a pause, and Jared’s heart sank a little because while he hadn’t consciously been anticipating it, he’d kind of been expecting Jen to come for New Year’s like he had the past couple of years. “Yeah, think I will. It be ok if I drove down on the 28th?”   
  
“I…yeah! Yeah, man, that’d be great!” Except the fact that Jensen had had a date ready at this time in the morning? That didn’t sound too good. Jared glanced toward the kitchen, lowered his voice so it’d be masked by the noise. “You ok, Jen?”  
  
He sighed, and Jared could hear sheets scraping against the phone as he moved. “It’s just comin’ back here, you know? I mean it’s crazy, I love Texas and I always think I wanna come home, but then I get back here and me and dad, we just can’t get along anymore. And I hate it, I do, but…anyway, I think the less time I spend here the better. I’m leaving tomorrow, gonna go see McKenzie for a couple days and then I’ll drive down to your place, stay there until a couple days before the end of the break and I’ll stop back by and see him again then.” Jensen paused, something uncertain in his silence. “I mean, is that-“  
  
“Of course it’s ok! You know you can stay with my anytime and mom loves havin’ you here. It’ll be fine, Jensen.”   
  
“Great. Now…” He sighed, more mock annoyed this time than anything else. “If I tell you Merry damn Christmas, will you let me get off the phone?”   
  
Jared laughed, and he was pretty sure he could even hear a little bit of a snigger over the phone. “Yeah, alright. That’ll do I guess. See you soon.”   
  
“Sure thing.”   
  
He hung up the phone, slipped it into the front of his hoodie as he stood up off the couch, stretching. He’d already been happy about Christmas, sure, but Jensen coming to stay here for even longer than he thought? That was like another present in and of itself.   
  
“You done talking to your boyfriend?”   
  
He jerked back toward the doorway, his shoulders hunching reflexively as he glared at Megan. “Shut up. He’s not my boyfriend.” And then, realizing that he sounded like he was about 12… “He’s my best friend, that’s all.”   
  
In the kitchen, he could hear his mom shushing her before she spoke up, her voice carrying. “Is Jensen coming down, honey?”   
  
“Yeah. Yeah, he’ll be here on Tuesday.”   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
“Here, little lady. Let me give you a hand with that.”   
  
Sadie had been in the process of hopping carefully up onto Jared’s sofa, but her jumps weren’t what they used to be and Jensen had stopped her just as she was settling in on her haunches to try. He picked her up, strong arms circling around her and lifting her gently to set her down on the cushion. She wiggled, leaned forward and licked his nose and Jensen chuckled softly, whispered to her and ruffled her ears before taking a glance down at her right front leg.   
  
Even looking mostly from behind, Jared could tell by the set of his shoulders that Jensen saw the same thing he did. “Yeah, I know. Tumor’s gettin’ bigger.”   
  
Jensen nodded, solemn. “Looks huge since I last saw it.” He looked up quick after he said it, regret in his eyes. “But I mean, maybe I-“  
  
“No, you’re right. It is. She’s…” What, what was there he could say? She’s dying? They already knew that. She’s getting worse? That was obvious. “She’s doing good, though. We played ball out in the yard yesterday.” It was true, and saying it helped lift his spirits, if only a little.   
  
Jensen nodded, slow, and he ruffled her ears again before he headed toward the bed where Jared was sitting. “Long as she’s still happy, that’s all that matters.”   
  
“Yeah.” It was completely true, and just then, looking at the adoring look she was giving Jensen as he walked away, Jared couldn’t help but feel a fresh rush of wonder and gratitude. He hated thinking it, really he did, but Jensen was perfect. For him, at least. He’d never met anyone else that loved his dogs the way he did, not until he met Jensen.   
  
He tilted the bottle of Jack up, took a long swig and Jensen reached over and shoved as his shoulder as he sat down heavily beside him. “Hey, watch it there, buddy, you gotta share that stuff!”   
  
He brought the bottle down from his lips, laughed as he wiped off his mouth on the back of his hand and passed the bottle over. The whiskey was burning in his throat, and he was grateful for it. “You know…” He passed the bottle over, their fingers brushing on the transfer. “We’ve gotta be the lamest guys our age in town. I mean, here it is, New Year’s, and what are we doing? Sittin’ around, listening to Queen and watching PBR reruns.” Not that he was complaining, honestly. He’d have preferred this to just about anything in the world, but somehow it just felt like the right thing to say. Masculine pride, maybe. They  _could_  have been out on the town, could’ve been drinking and partying and ringing the New Year in with everybody else but instead, they’d gone for this.   
  
Jensen scoffed, took his own hit off the bottle and brought it down to rest against his thigh. “Hey, don’t knock it till you’ve tried it. We’ve never done New Year’s like this, might beat the hell of a few crazy parties.”   
  
“Maybe so.” Jensen passed him the bottle, and he was about halfway through his drink when Jensen spoke, his voice soft, all teasing gone.   
  
“Jared?”   
  
He swallowed quick, nearly choked and covered it pretty damn well clearing his throat. Fuck, it burned. “Yeah?”   
  
“I love Texas, I do, but more than anything, I don’t want to move back here. I don’t want to ever be like him. And if I come back, that’s…that’s it, that’s the road, that’s what you become ranching that long, I guess.”   
  
“Jen-“  
  
“Look I know I said I wasn’t gonna talk about it, so let’s not talk about it I just…I just needed to get that off my chest.” He turned the bull riding up, and they didn’t talk about it, just sat there and watched and finished off nearly the entire bottle of Jack. Not talking didn’t do anything to get it off Jared’s mind, however, and over an hour later when they switched the TV over to watch the ball drop, it was still clattering around in his head behind a haze of alcohol that made everything in the room tilt when he moved. The ball dropped, fuzzy and moving just a little too unstable in Jared’s condition, and he blocked out the cheers and the lights and turned and pulled Jensen’s lips to his before he could think better of it.   
  
There was an instant when Jensen froze, and if Jared had been sober with quicker reflexes, that would have been the end of it. As it was, though, he was just slow enough in pulling away that Jensen reached up to tighten his fingers in his hair, holding him there. That was all the encouragement he needed. He stroked his thumb against the stubble on Jensen’s cheek, his tongue flicking out to run against Jensen’s lip, testing. Jensen moaned, low and hungry though he still seemed a little startled all the same. There was tension in the arm that held Jared close, he could feel it in his grip, in the hard muscle in his arm as it brushed against Jared’s neck. Still, he held on, and when Jensen’s teeth bit down cautiously on Jared’s lip, he lost all fear that this wasn’t what Jensen wanted. They were kissing,  _actually_  kissing, and Jen wasn’t freaking out. A little hesitant, sure, but that was alright, and after a few kisses and a lot of shared breath Jensen had pulled Jared flush up against him, the tension easing out of him as he ran his fingers through Jared’s hair.   
  
It was unbelievable, surreal on every level imaginable, and when they finally started to slow and break apart, Jared was nearly sure he was dreaming. They pulled back just enough, still leaning heavily into each other sides, and Jensen reached down to take a swig from the last of the Jack in the bottle. His lips were kiss red and swollen, and Jared felt even dizzier just seeing them wrap around the glass.   
  
They finished that bottle off, and he fell asleep with Jensen’s head against his shoulder, breathing soft and just a little unsteady against his neck.   
  
They hadn’t spoken a word about it, and when they woke up the next morning, the memory was just fuzzy enough that Jared was 100% sure it had been a dream. 


	3. Part III

In their junior year, Jensen’s grandmother died. She was a wonderful lady, classy and sweet and oh so loving, and she was the only thing Jensen had left like a mother. His own had left the family when McKenzie was 2, run off God knows where. Even her family didn’t know where to find her.  _Her_  mother, though…she was always there for the kids, all of them. Jared had never got to meet her, but he wished he had. Jensen had shown him so many pictures over the years that he felt like she was a friend already.   
  
The day she died, Jared skipped physics. He really did believe in fate, sometimes, because it hadn’t been planned. He’d been going to go, really, but then after nearly falling asleep in a couple of pushed together comfy library chairs while trying to write a paper on his laptop he’d given up and decided that going home for a nap was the best option. He could remember everything about that day still, walking out on the pedestrian mall to a swirl of leaves, waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take him down to the ag campus and his car, his hands shoved in the front of his hoodie. He’d tried to call Jensen then but he hadn’t answered, and not knowing that anything was wrong, he’d thought nothing of it.   
  
He got back to the apartment nearly an hour later to find Jensen on the sofa, crying his eyes out with his arms wrapped around Harley, his face buried against his shoulder. Sadie sat at his feet, whining quietly, and his phone was there on the table. He hadn’t even thought, hadn’t given rationality a single second and he was there, crouching on the floor and reaching up to let his hand rest on Jensen’s shoulder.   
  
He’d tried to rein himself in then, tried to calm down and act like he was ok but it hadn’t exactly worked. He couldn’t quite stop crying even as he started talking about it, about the phone call he’d gotten from home to say that it was that morning, a sudden stroke. It was alright, though, because no matter what Jensen had been afraid of, Jared hadn’t cared that he was crying. Well, not in the way Jensen was afraid he might at least.   
  
He sat with him, one hand on his back because it was all he dared, and he sat there and waited and thanked God that Harley was for once in his life being still, because Jensen needed to hold onto something, and if it couldn’t be him at least it was something solid.   
  
Once he calmed down, he hadn’t cried again. Not once, not even at her funeral. With Jensen, when emotion hit him, it was hard. Once he got control of it again, there was no getting him to bring it up, not unless he let himself, unless he wanted to. Jared wasn’t even honestly sure he’d have been able to then, either. That night he’d finally ended up curled up on the corner of the couch, staring at the wall.   
  
He’d rested his head on his knee, whispered that once, she’d told him she was glad his mother had gone, so she had a chance to know him better. He’d never looked more like a lost little boy than he had just then, and it had taken everything Jared had not to reach out and pull him close. To let him hold on.   
  
He remembered that, now, because while it wasn’t nearly the same, something to hold onto? That was exactly what he needed. The months were soaring, racing by, and every day that ticked closer to March brought him closer to his answers. Every day closer to May brought him closer to the possibility of Jensen leaving, and every time he dreamed the ghost of the dream he knew he had to have had on New Year’s it cut him just a little deeper.   
  
It was crazy, maybe. Or so he thought. He had a good life, nothing he should’ve been complaining about, really. A lot of people had a hell of a lot worse, but to be honest? He wasn’t fooling himself with the self help talk. He was drowning.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
“Ok, stop the game for sec, ok? C’mere, c’mere.”   
  
Chris motioned Jared and Steve over from the pool table, slinging his arm around Jared the minute he got close enough and leaning into him only a little drunkenly. Jensen laughed, leaning back against the doorframe just to their right and he reached out to steady Chris’ shoulder, grinning at Jared as he did.   
  
Jared himself wasn’t drunk, just a little buzzed but warm and happy anyway, high off the letter Chris had in his hands that he spread out to read one more time as he motioned for Steve to pour them all shots.   
  
“This letter is to inform you that your application has passed the preliminary stages and you have been invited for an interview-“ He paused here, let Jensen and Steve cheer and leaned a little more into Jared’s side, reading louder. “-at our college. Your interview will take place on Monday April 4th at 10 A.M., blah, blah, blah; the rest isn’t important.” They all laughed together, then, and Steve finished pouring the shots. Jared reached for his, shifting his fingers across the uneven paint on his glass to get the best grip. They were unmatched, all of these glasses. Different colors and textures, collected from everywhere any of them had ever been. Somehow, no matter who they were intended for when they came home, they always ended up at Chris’ being used.   
  
“So, a toast to our boy.” Chris held his glass out, knocking it somewhat gently against Jared’s first. “He did it.”   
  
“And he’s gonna be amazing at it.” That? That was Jensen, murmured low and soft and even before taking the shot, Jared already felt warm. The Jack burned down his throat, settling hot, and he half laughed his way through thanks, because really, at this point he was just too damn happy.   
  
It was the happiness that gave him the courage, he was sure, because he really wasn’t drunk. He sat his glass down, looked over the card table and met Jensen’s gorgeous green eyes, and God it sounded stupid, but it was like something in his chest just clicked into place. Drunk or not, he’d made a move once and Jensen hadn’t pushed him away. It was past time he had the balls to give it a shot sober. He patted Chris on the back, passed off his pool cue to him and stepped around him, looking at Jensen and jerking his head back toward the basement living room and the stairs. “Hey, come with me for a minute?”   
  
He wasn’t sure how obvious it was, not at all, and though he had the fleeting thought that Chris and Steve just might have caught on and been giving each other one hell of a look, Jensen nodded and he brushed the thought out of his mind. He left and Jensen followed, all the way up two flights of stairs to the hall outside the guest bedroom where they always slept when they got drunk off their asses here and fuck, he was gonna have to just come out with it, because there was no other reason he could think of that he’d have led Jensen all the way up here.   
  
He swallowed hard, ran his fingers through his hair as he tried to steady his nerves and his hands. They didn’t shake, but they weren’t exactly steady either, and he took a couple of good deep breaths, not sure he trusted himself to say anything.   
  
“Jay?” It was a question that held just enough knowing in it to make him move, and he reached out, one hand latching onto Jensen’s neck and the other against his hip as he pulled him in, his own back hitting the wall. He tilted his head and leaned forward, just barely brushing their lips together, enough to show Jen that  _this_  was what he wanted, what he was asking, but it was going to have to be up to him to take it.   
  
Jensen sucked in a sharp breath, and for a minute he pulled back just a little, though he reached up and gripped Jared’s shirt, holding him in place. “New Year’s, I thought…guess it sounds crazy now but I was pretty drunk and I thought I dreamed it. Or maybe I didn’t wanna talk about it because I…”  
  
Because it was new, yeah, he could understand that. As far as he knew, Jensen had never so much as been interested in another man. None of that, though, really mattered now. He squeezed gently with the hand on Jensen’s neck, thumb stroking across soft skin as he finally got the nerve to look him in the eye for the first time since they’d come upstairs. “I know. And it’s…it’s ok. I mean, even you if you didn’t want-“  
  
“I do.” He cut him off quick, and with someone else it might’ve sounded uncertain, but he knew Jensen, knew his voice, and this one, it was pretty steady. His heart jolted, pulse quickening and he pulled Jensen in just a little tighter against him, their hips lining up. They still weren’t kissing, not quite yet, but he could feel Jensen’s breath ghosting against his lips and the beginnings of the press of Jensen’s cock against his and yes, this was really happening.   
  
He groaned, mingled hunger and near reverent disbelief, and he closed the last distance between them slowly, felt the heat spark between them when their lips touched. It was slow and achingly deliberate, nothing more than a press of lips until Jensen’s tongue flicked out to taste him. It was perfect and not nearly enough, and he opened to him as he pulled Jensen in close, a gasp catching somewhere in his throat as Jensen took the invitation and took control, tongue sliding so easily against his it would’ve seemed like they’d be doing this forever if he hadn’t known better.   
  
There wasn’t room for anything beyond that, not at first. Just the slide of Jensen’s tongue against his, the taste of them that was  _so much_  better mostly sober, the way Jensen moaned into his mouth when Jared’s hands slipped under shirt to push his jeans down just enough to curve his palms against his hips. And that…his skin was so hot, burning against Jared’s hands and held him tight as he rocked against him, breaking the kiss to tilt his own head back, keening softly because  _damn_  it felt too good.   
  
Jensen followed with him, lips and teeth finding his pulse, nipping in a way that Jared was pretty sure was meant to quiet him but had exactly the opposite effect. Jensen thrust against him, harder, solid pressure, and when he moaned and clutched at Jensen that time Jensen’s lips faltered, a soft “ _Fuck_ , Jay…” slipping out under his breath. Jared swallowed hard, reluctantly let go of the grip he had on Jensen’s bare skin in exchange for one hand at the back of Jensen’s head as he continued to work his way down Jared’s neck, his other hand sliding lower and into Jensen’s back pocket, gripping his ass and keeping him close. It was good, amazing, and he couldn’t help shifting just a little more, spreading his own legs to get them closer and  _yeah_ , that was even better.   
  
Downstairs there was a sudden peal of raucous laughter, the sound of a pool cue clattering to the floor and they both jerked, their breath catching unsteady though they didn’t pull apart. Up until then he’d been pretty damn oblivious, caught up in all things Jensen and utterly ignoring the fact that they were practically dry fucking in the middle of the hall, and by the flush he saw on Jensen’s cheeks when he tipped his head down to look at him he could tell Jensen had pretty much forgotten the same as he had.   
  
He laughed, soft, raked his fingers through Jensen’s hair and leaned down for a kiss, lingering and wet and more than enough for him to feel the crackle in his veins. Jensen’s lips had been steadily mapping themselves a patch down his throat, and when Jen reached up to cup a hand against his neck and the pad of his thumb slid across damp skin already cooling in the air, Jared nearly decided they could take their chances. Considering the way his luck usually ran, it was probably a good thing Jensen spoke up right then, his thumb retracing the same path even as he did, his voice low and rough with want.   
  
“We should…c’mon.” He took a step back, the tug toward the guest bedroom saying everything that needed to be said. Yeah, that sounded like a good idea. An actual bed and a door that shut and…God, he wanted Jensen naked,  _yesterday_.   
  
They made it in, shut the door and then he was pushing Jensen up against it, hands sliding all the way up under his shirt to push it up past his ribs. Jensen raised his arms, let Jared tug it all the way off but before he could really  _enjoy_  Jensen’s hands were fisting in his shirt, insistent, and he yanked his own over his head and tossed it back behind him to the floor.   
  
He wanted their jeans off next, really he did, but  _want_  was nothing in the face of need, and at that point, the need to touch each other overwhelmed everything else. Jensen’s hands were on his chest and his wrapped around to Jensen’s back, stroking and learning and feeling the seductive move of muscles under skin as they continued to rock slowly against each other, their hips unable to be still. The sounds of it filled the silences, the drag of denim and the occasional catch and clink of their belt buckles and the harsh rapid breathing that pressed their chests even closer together and came out in harsh warm bursts against each other’s skin whenever they broke from desperate kisses.   
  
It could’ve gone on forever and never been long enough, and he’d more than lost track by the time Jensen’s hand snaked between them, fumbling with his belt before plunging into his jeans to palm him eagerly over his boxers. He cried out, hips snapping forward to press into Jensen’s hand, and it probably shouldn’t have surprised him that Jensen’s low “ _Jesus_ , Jared” made his cock throb almost as much as the touch itself.   
  
Jensen’s hand cupped a little more firmly over him, squeezing just a little and Jared grabbed his wrist, biting down hard on his own tongue to hold back the whimper at the effort it took to stop him. He could let him, let Jensen touch him and considering how long he’d wanted it he didn’t have any doubt that once he got his bare hand around him Jensen could probably bring him off in about 5 seconds flat. And someday, he wanted that. Soon, honestly. Hell, tomorrow morning, even. But if somehow this was it? If this was his only shot, the only thing he ever got before Jensen woke up and wised up and changed his mind, then he didn’t want it to end like that.   
  
“Jen, I…” He was panting, the unfinished question breathed against the corner of his mouth, and hardly half a second had passed before Jared was sure trying to get the question out was going to take more time than it was worth. He pulled back instead, yanked off his boots and socks and shucked out of his jeans before laying back on the bed. Actually doing it, there was some stubborn uncertainty that curled in his gut, eating at him a little just in the time it took for him to look over and meet Jensen’s eyes. It was over then, what he could see there more than enough to drive it away. They were shining with lust and something far more, and he rid himself of the rest of his own clothes almost faster than Jared had gotten rid of his.   
  
Jared took a deep breath, chest heaving as he spread his legs in invitation, his cock jerking where it lay flushed against his belly. The last time he’d done this, it hadn’t been the best idea under even worse circumstances. This….this was new, and so,  _so_  much more inviting. Jensen covered his body with his own, mouths crashing together a little clumsily as Jensen’s hands spread his thighs just a little wider, his hips already moving in short jerks against Jared’s. They were both impatient and still uncertain, the combination both intensifying and disorienting.   
  
“Jay, I don’t…” Jensen’s lips brushed his as he spoke, and he was just nearly too damn distracted to pay attention. “ ‘M not sure this is a good idea right now, we don’t have-“  
  
No lube, nothing, yeah, he knew that. It wasn’t about to stop him. He cut Jensen off, yanking Jensen’s right hand up to his lips and sucking his fingers down eagerly, coating them. Jensen gasped, his eyes fluttering shut as he swore under his breath. It was hot as hell and Jared groaned, arching against him. The look on his face…God, it was almost like Jared had taken in his cock instead, but he couldn’t really think about that just then because he needed to be  _keeping_  some semblance of control, not losing it all already.   
  
When he was at least moderately sure it was enough he let Jensen’s fingers slide from his slightly swollen lips, murmuring soft reassurances into his ear as Jared pushed his hand downward. Yes, he was ready. Yes, he knew what he was doing, what he was asking. He was ready, he was more than ready, and Jensen could just  _do it_  already.   
  
He was tight, sure, and there was a burn to the press of his fingers at first, but he breathed through it, forced himself to relax, to take it until it started to feel better, because this was  _Jensen_ , finally, after wanting it what felt like forever. It was Jensen, and he was going to feel every minute of it. Later, they could take it a little slower, do it properly. It probably said something, really, that he was kind of glad their first time was going to be like this. It’d be close enough to be like  _that_ time, but nothing like it all at the same time…just the right blend to help wipe it from his mind. Right now, though, wasn’t the time to be thinking about what that meant(if there  _would_  be a time for such deep thought about himself…he wasn’t sure he wanted there to be).   
  
Jensen pulled his hand away, let it fit against Jared’s hip as if it had always belonged there while he let out a deep breath that was far from steady. He swallowed hard and Jared followed the movements of his throat, leaned up to press a kiss to his Adam’s apple. Jensen’s fingers threaded through his hair, his head dipping as he pressed his lips to Jared’s forehead, a soft murmur of pleasure his only sound at first.   
  
“Jay, you’ve gotta tell me if this hurts, alright? I don’t…I don’t want…”  
  
“It’s ok.” He took a deep breath, shifted against him to try and entangle them both a little tighter. “Jensen, it’s ok.” He didn’t say that he would, but he knew Jensen had heard his assent in there anyway, felt it in his touch. He nodded, quickly spit into his own hand to slick himself a little more with it, fluid mixing as he stroked just before lining up. A single breath, and he pushed forward.   
  
It’d have been a lie to say it didn’t hurt, but right away, he didn’t think he needed to say that. The whole ‘hurting’ question was kind of relative anyway, because in a minute, he knew it was going to be alright. He could feel it, the same way he could feel emotion he hadn’t ever dared to hope Jensen felt in the way Jensen trembled to hold himself back, arms shaking as he slowly worked himself in. Some slow thrusts, a little more saliva and a few distracting kisses later and they were perfectly joined, utterly connected for one still moment before Jensen pulled back to give in to his desire to move.   
  
He kept the pace slow, as much as he could at least, but everything from the burn to the odd discomfort had faded almost from the moment he was fully inside. Jared groaned, head falling back, eyes shutting as he gripped hard at Jensen’s back, trying to haul him in closer somehow. This first time, there was little skill involved. It was elemental, easy and hard at once, and there was something about it that seemed it should’ve felt slightly awkward, only after so long of there being _something_  between them, it evaporated, eaten up by the intensity of it all.   
  
Jensen gasped, yanked him in hard and close, pressed a series of increasingly desperate, open mouthed kisses against his neck. His movements were erratic, unstable and Jared knew he was close, was ready to enjoy watching him, right up until Jensen shifted his grip, one sweaty hand wrapping firm around Jared’s cock where it had lain trapped between them. He’d been so sure, before, that with as much as he wanted it, a single touch from Jensen’s bare hand would’ve just about been enough. He hadn’t been wrong. Now, all of it combined, he had no choice and almost no warning, his body jerking and coming as if Jensen’s touch had been the command it had waited for to work properly all along.   
  
Jensen followed after, face buried against his neck as he groaned. He pulled out, flopping bonelessly half on Jared and half on the bed, and for awhile Jared just held on to him and felt the world spin. It wasn’t long, though, before he started to get cold, sweat cooling on his body and reminding him that he was in a house that usually stayed a few degrees cooler than he liked…which reminded him exactly where they were. They’d just had sex for the first time in Chris’s guest bed, and holy shit there was probably something wrong with that. At the very least, Chris would probably find something wrong with that…or he’d pretend to.   
  
Jared laughed, soft and exhausted, bubbling up from the strange mix of still shocked happiness swirling in his chest. He could feel Jensen smile against his neck, and he tightened his hold, keeping Jensen anchored close. This had really happened. He hadn’t dreamed it, hadn’t been too drunk to remember it, and he wasn’t hallucinating. Jared  _really_  wished he could’ve stayed awake to properly enjoy it.   
  
He turned in towards the body beside him, snuggling closer into Jensen’s embrace before tugging the quilt up over both of them. Jensen was warm, his breath soft and steady against Jared’s skin, and Jared’s mind was feeling heavier by the second, being dragged under with almost alarming speed.   
  
Jensen made a soft noise, shifting in closer, and whether it was conscious or not, it was endearing.   
  
“Love you.”   
  
Jared murmured the words under his breath, all half asleep instinct and no thought, and though the shock of wishing he hadn’t let it slip was enough to wake him up a little more, Jensen seemed oblivious. After a few seconds sleepy, nervous waiting, Jared decided he couldn’t have heard, and he let himself give up the struggle to stay awake.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
In the interview, they asked Jared a few seemingly irrelevant questions along with the others. What was his favorite color, the current book he was reading, his favorite TV show. They asked and feigned interest, as if they truly wanted to know him, as if the asking was more than a test to see who could survive being put to the test on information they hadn’t drilled dozens of times. As if they seriously cared, and personal qualities were actually going to help them make their choice.   
  
Personally, Jared just found it creepy, but he’d answered. Blue,  _Merle’s Door_ , and as for shows, he wasn’t really sure, but he’d been watching DVD’s of 24 that Chris had left at their apartment. None of those things, he felt, told them a single damn thing. Nothing of substance, not about him or his life or what he was living through right then, the cares that were weighing on him even as he sat there, struggling to make it through his interview still breathing.   
  
One thing Jared  _was_ , undeniably, was a hopeless romantic. After that first night together at Chris’s, he’d been sure everything would change. To be fair, it had, sort of. They didn’t sleep apart anymore. They shared either his or Jensen’s bed no matter how late one of them came in, though more often than not they came in or went to bed together. They’d been out on actual dates and told Steve and Chris and Jeff about this thing between them and somehow been managing to spend even more time together, but…  
  
But nothing had  _changed_. Not the big things, not where it mattered. Jensen was still teetering, his future still uncertain, and every time Jared almost confessed his real feelings(again) he bit his tongue, hard. He was terrified, full of thick, sickening dread that it wouldn’t matter, because it hadn’t seemed to matter so far. Fuck, Jensen knew. He  _had_  to know, and there was every single indication that he felt the same way, but somehow, it just wasn’t enough. Jared wasn’t enough, or at least he didn’t feel like he was, and the suspense of not knowing was killing him.   
  
Forget the vet school letter, it was  _Jensen’s_  answer he was waiting on.   
  
Well, ok, maybe not  _forget_  the vet school letter, but all the same, the strain of the unknown from all directions was certainly gonna be the death of him. And here he’d thought getting together would fix that, the lump he felt in his throat every time another day passed by without a word.   
  
In the middle of the night when it all ran unchecked through his head, he tried to be bitter, and sometimes he succeeded.   
  
 _I wouldn’t do this to him. I’d tell him; I’d stay. I wouldn’t leave him for anything._    
  
It always sounded right when he thought it, sharp and ringing with conviction, but it never held up to the light of day. Because, honestly, wasn’t that sort of the whole problem here? If Jensen  _did_  go back, couldn’t it be seen as Jared, too, who had equal responsibility to do something? Jensen could stay, sure, but Jared, he wasn’t incapacitated. He could  _go_.   
  
There, his thoughts always stopped. He could never seem to push them any farther.   
  
Jensen, though, could chase them away entirely.   
  
He knelt before Jared in their tiny kitchen, smirking as he used Jared’s pockets to tug down his loosened jeans. “So, you did good, huh?”   
  
He’d been asking about the interview, and so far, Jared had managed only a few largely non-committal words. After all the stress in that room, even though he hadn’t said all that much he was pretty much talked out. He cleared his throat anyway, his fingers already trailing easily through Jensen’s short, soft hair.   
  
“Yeah. I guess. I dunno, Jen, they-“  
  
“You were fuckin’ brilliant, trust me. I don’t doubt it.” Those eyes were twinkling up at him, Jensen’s breath tantalizingly hot against him through the cotton of his boxers. “You know I’m right.”   
  
“I know you’re killin’ me, here.” Already, his voice was a little breathless but a lot more focused. Everything else, even his worries about where he stood with the man in front of him, all of it was fading away. Times like this, it didn’t matter, nothing did but the way Jensen was looking at him, the way he knew it’d feel when he took him in his mouth, hands gripping at every inch of Jared he could reach.   
  
“Should make you wait till after dinner. It’s gonna get cold.” On the stove the chicken was cooling, the smell of spices still permeating the room. Later, Jared would be grateful. It wasn’t often they had ‘real’ food. Right now, he couldn’t give a damn. He could feel his heart tripping faster, Jensen’s soft breath and proximity alone enough to drive him nearly insane with want.   
  
“ ‘M not hungry.”   
  
Jensen’s laugh sent a burst of hot through the fabric, and Jared’s fingers gripped hard against the counter. His cock jerked, already eager. God, the things Jensen could do to him. “Oh please. The bottomless pit, not hungry?” He shook his head, his fingers hooking easily over the band of Jared’s boxers before he pulled them down easily. “You’re a terrible liar, Jay, you know that?” Any answer he might’ve come up with didn’t really matter, because Jensen gave in then and wrapped those too-gorgeous lips around Jared’s cock.   
  
He moaned, loud and eager, his feet shuffling just a little farther apart to let Jensen press closer between them. A few weeks ago, Jensen had never done this. Not once. Now, Jared would’ve been willing to swear no one would’ve ever guessed it. Not that he’d be willing for anyone else to have any reason to know that for themselves.   
  
He wasn’t all technique and finesse, just raw passion and love and an eagerness to hear Jared moan that kept his knees so weak they could hardly hold him. Jensen’s mouth stretched wide around him, taking as much as he could. Every bob of his head left his cock slicked, open to the jolt of air on damp skin and Jensen’s warm touch as he reached up stroke just enough to tease but not quite enough to satisfy. Oh, he was good, and it was fucking incredible to think that the first time they’d done this, he’d sworn he had no idea what he was doing. In Jared’s opinion, clearly this was the sort of thing where instinct took over.   
  
Jared raked his fingers through Jensen’s hair, let his hand come to rest cupping the back of Jensen’s head. It felt better like that, more connected. He could feel the flex of the muscles in the back of Jensen’s neck, feel the vibrations in his hand that echoed the ones in his cock as Jensen moaned around him, suckling hard. He can’t resist at that, his hips thrusting forward to push just a little deeper past Jensen’s lips. Jensen doesn’t protest, just edges back a little, his tongue stroking the underside of his cock at a tempo that seems meant for slow and soothing. It ignites him instead, his nails digging harder into the counter edge as his muscles quiver.   
  
“Jensen.” He whispered his name first, ragged and low. Jensen didn’t acknowledge it in so many words at first, but he pulled off for just long enough to nuzzle against the crease of his thigh, brushing a kiss with swollen lips against his abdomen.   
  
“Again.” It’s rough, breathless and quiet, and from the color on his cheeks that wasn’t entirely there a moment before, Jared knew what he was asking for, how he still doesn’t feel quite ready to ask it. That’s Jensen though, with everything. If he could just ask for what he wanted, speak his mind on something instead of just letting his thoughts stew…  
  
But he’s not thinking about that right now, not any of it.   
  
Jared let go of the counter completely, took Jensen’s face in his hands. It’s harder, holding on to him all the way like this. He has to will himself to be gentle, to not thrust too hard or too much, to leave the control up to Jensen but it’s worth it, so very worth it, because when he moans Jensen’s name like this, holding on tight with his body curling just a little forward, Jared doesn’t miss one bit of the effect it has on him.   
  
He could feel the heat on Jensen’s skin, the way he hollowed his cheeks, tried to relax his throat and ease down farther but he can’t, not yet. It couldn’t possibly matter less. His eyes fluttered shut and Jared’s thumb brushed across his left eyelid, deliberate and soft. He wants to see, wants to look in Jensen’s eyes as he comes. He’s close, inching closer with every swirl of Jensen’s tongue around the head of his cock. So close. Jensen’s eyes opened for him, his lust bleeding into them, turning familiar emerald green dark with his wide pupils. He’s beautiful, unbelievable. Jared’s grip tightened, finally more restraint than caress as his hips twitch forward, emptying himself down Jensen’s throat and trying not to push too far.   
  
The first time he’d come in Jensen’s mouth he’d jerked back a little in surprise, eyebrows rising as he licked his lips and realized he didn’t hate the taste, that maybe he could do this properly after all. So he said, at least. Now, he swallows easily, and he moaned after Jared’s cock slipped from his lips.   
  
Once he caught his breath, somehow he managed to slip right back into conversation. “So…like I said…you aced it; I know it.” He’s still panting, just a little, but his voice is almost steady. “They’re gonna take you.”   
  
Jared really,  _really_  doesn’t want to talk about it right now. Instead, he pulled Jensen up to his feet, yanked him close and turned them in one smooth move so he has Jensen pressed to the counter, one strong hand already holding tight to the back of his neck as he brought their lips together. There’s something elemental in him that loves his taste on Jensen’s lips, and he kissed him until it was gone, licked and sucked thoroughly from swollen lips and his soft tongue.   
  
Between them he could feel the hard line of Jensen’s cock, and even though his head’s still reeling from the high he just came down from, he can’t help but squirm. He feels suddenly empty, aching to be filled. It’s amazing, really, the things that change. Before Jensen, he never knew it’d feel like  _this_ , the desire not only for his touch and his cock but for the fullness that comes with being taken, the  _need_  for it, like a missing piece.   
  
“ _God_ , I want you.”   
  
Jensen groaned, throaty and enough to make his tired cock try to take interest, and his arms wrapped around Jared’s neck. His head titled forward to rest against Jared’s, chest filling with a deep breath that seemed to do nothing to calm the pounding of his heart.   
  
“I had a plan you know.” Jared laughed, short but easy, and Jensen shushed him with a quick kiss. “Hey, I cooked for you. We were gonna celebrate.”   
  
Everything about it made Jared’s smile widen, from the mock hurt to the words themselves. “So?” He shifted his grip, wrapped one arm around Jensen’s waist to hold him close. “Let’s celebrate.”   
  
No more convincing needed to be done at that point. Dinner was forgotten for the time being and they ended up on the couch, clothes in five different directions. He sank down onto Jensen’s lap, nearly whimpering with white hot pleasure and relief. There’s no other word for it, they  _fit_. It’s perfect, absolutely damn perfect in every last detail, from the way Jensen bucked up against him to the arm he kept around Jared’s waist, anchoring him. Jensen came hard, crying out and arching against his solid weight, and at first they both soaked in the moment, Jared’s hands releasing their death grip on the back of the couch to wrap his arms around Jensen instead, his face tucking in against his neck. It’s warm and peaceful and despite the way his knees were already protesting the position they probably  _could_  have drifted off like that. Could’ve.   
  
Harley made himself known then, however. He barked, full strength, a solitary warning before his rope was tossed onto the couch next to them, his innocent brown eyes sparkling. As far as he’s concerned, there’s no good reason why he’s been ignored. By the time they’re finished laughing dinner’s definitely stone cold, but it doesn’t matter. He tells Jensen it tastes better microwaved and though Jensen rolled his eyes and muttered something about how Steve’s going to kill him one day for his lack of culinary respect, he’s definitely smiling when he says it.   
  
It’s so easy to forget. Jensen makes it hopelessly easy, and when they’re together like that, after awhile every last worry in his mind is chased away. If only it lasted.   
  
It’s four in the morning when Jared wakes up after only a couple hours sleep, and he disengaged gently from Jensen’s arm across his chest to make his way to the kitchen for some water and some solitude. He’s not sure what woke him, but from the sick feeling stirring in his gut he’s pretty sure the gnawing worry decided to rear its head and muscle its way into his dreams.   
  
Even if, even  _if_  Jensen gets the job, what does it mean? Will he tells his father, his sister, his older brother? His entire super conservative Texan family? Will he tell them that he’s…what? Confused? In love? Or is this doomed even if they ‘win’? That’s how he’s thought of it for a long time now, winning. Him with his school, Jensen with his job…it’s like a slot machine with impossible odds. All the pieces have to line up just right.   
  
On the floor by the fridge Sadie stirred, and he realized that she’s been asleep there, on the cool linoleum. The moonlight slants through the kitchen window, lighting her fur with ghostly color, and he realized with a start that he can see her ribs. Every one of them. Her hips, her spine…she’s been losing weight, he’s known that, but the familiarity of seeing her every day has kept it muddled and out of focus. Now it’s suddenly jarringly sharp, his stomach twisting as a quick glance at her bowl tells him she couldn’t have eaten more than a bite of her dinner.   
  
“Oh, sweetheart…” His whisper sounded thick in the quiet, even to his own ears, and he crouched down smoothly to rest his hand across her ribs. She doesn’t wake, not then and not when the tears he can’t catch slide down to drop into her soft brown fur.   
  
This life they’re living, it’s an unstable equilibrium, an almost magic in-between. The past few weeks it’s been as if the world’s been forgotten, everything suspended while they share a life that’s clearly too good to last. They’re living on borrowed time, all of them, and at this point, there can’t be much of it left.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
“Jensen!”   
  
Even though Jared reached to catch it, the phone vibrated just enough to flip off onto the floor, hitting a couple empty bottles down below with a sound loud enough to make Jared curse. At least it wasn’t broken, though, because he could he could hear it still rattling around down there on the floor as it rang again.   
  
“Hey,  _Jen_!”   
  
“ _What_?” The distance muffled his voice enough to make it clear he hadn’t bothered to walk any closer. He’d gotten up around 11 to grade quizzes, trying to get them done before Monday. Jared, on the other hand, had gone back to sleep after his run, taking advantage of one of the last Sundays he had before finals started hitting him to sleep as much as he possibly could. The phone rattling across the table and making a godawful racket kind of ruined that, though.   
  
“Your phone! You want me to get it?”   
  
“…nah, it’s…” Whatever it was, it was enough to get him up, apparently. His footsteps creaked as he headed that way from the living room, until he was right there to push open the door and lean against the frame. He didn’t look at Jared, though, or even the phone on the floor, but a point somewhere on the empty stretch of carpet between. “It’s just dad. I, uh…I haven’t been answerin’ his calls.” He shrugged, reached up to rake his fingers roughly through his hair. “I don’t know what to tell him.”   
  
If he wasn’t before, Jared came all the way awake then. He shifted to rise up on one arm, tried unsuccessfully to meet Jensen’s eyes. “About staying?” He almost didn’t say it, but it just spilled out. He’d been so carefully  _not_  saying for awhile now that apparently reining it in would’ve taken more strength than he’s got left.   
  
Jensen just shook his head once, eyes still carefully anywhere but the man he’s talking to. “I…don’t know. I dunno, Jay.”   
  
“What part, Jensen? What  _part_  don’t you know?” It came out more bitter than he meant, and he could see Jensen wince, almost flinching away. Right there, he knew the conversation was over before it had even really begun. For Jensen, talking about any of this stays strictly off limits. Unless he mentions it, of course, and then he can say as much as he likes until he’s ready to cut Jared off. It’s not fair, and it’s not right, and Jared was about ready to push him on it.   
  
“I can’t talk about this right now, Jared. I don’t know… _anything_ , I don’t-“  
  
“You don’t know  _anything_? Nothing at all, you’ve got  _nothing_  to say to me?”   
  
It’s the first time Jared’s actually full on connected those things, Jensen leaving and  _them_ , and from the way the air between them seemed to become about 10 times more dangerously still, in the aftermath it seems reckless. Still, the bitter anger hasn’t faded, and he doesn’t try to take it back.   
  
For one sharply painful moment Jensen almost walked away without a word, but they carry back behind him as he pulls away. “It’s not that simple. I wish it was.”   
  
Nothing,  _nothing_  is simple.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
Nothing drastic happens at the opportune time. You can plan all you want for hurricane season, but just because you think you’re ready it’s not going to politely refuse to come while you’re asleep. Jared’s very good at procrastinating, too good almost, because it gives him a false sense of security. If he knows something’s coming, there’s some safety in that, even if he doesn’t feel ready yet. It lulls him, makes him think he’s still got time.   
  
For two days, he hasn’t really spoken to Jensen. They’ve talked, sure, but it’s been too light conversation, devoid of nearly anything but pointless drivel. Worse than that, they haven’t shared a bed since that morning. He didn’t exactly mean for it to happen, but that night he fell asleep on the couch and couldn’t bring himself to move, and when Jensen did nothing more than give him a slightly wounded look the next morning it wasn’t too hard to convince himself that it’d probably be best if he stayed away for awhile.   
  
It feels like too much, too much silence and too much space even though they’re still right there in the same apartment, but considering Jensen’s allergy to serious conversation about his future Jared can’t be sure that bringing it up won’t just make things even worse. The uncertainty is painful, and with the third night without a resolution rushing up on him he’d pretty much made up his mind to head over to Chris’ place for his advice after he stopped by and took the dogs out.   
  
There’s poetry about the failure of best laid plans for a reason, though. Their ruination is some sort of universal law, not that that knowledge has ever been much comfort to those affected.   
  
Jared stepped in the door and tossed his keys on the counter, his bag slumping easily from his shoulder to the floor. “Hey, guys! Who wants to go outside?” For them, he can muster enthusiasm he doesn’t all the way feel, because they deserve it. They’re the light of his life that nothing else can shake, the one fragile little constant he gets to keep no matter where his future goes. That’s what he always thinks, when everything else is shifting.   
  
Harley hit him like a truck, body checking him before stabilizing to dance with frantic glee around his feet. And…that was it. No Sadie to flutter beside him, graceful as a moth in comparison to his lumbering, no soft whining and little feet to scratch at his jeans…  
  
The funny thing about denial is how light it seems, how easy to carry on with right up until the moment it crashes down, crushing you under its weight. She’s been so sick, so small, her leg so disproportionately swollen but all of those things he’s managed to black out, because he expected them. He knew what would happen, as she was dying. He just never let his thoughts reach the end of that train.   
  
“ _Sadie_!” For one horrible moment he expected no more answer than an echo, suffocating silence, but the answering scuffle and whimper actually feels worse, weighing him down like lead. His girl, his poor, perfect little angel…  
  
It isn’t hard to find her. She’d laid down next to the couch, on a pair of jeans that ended up there the other night that neither of them have bothered to pick up. Seeing him gave her the strength to struggle to stand, but it’s plain the fight is one she’s going to lose. Her back legs just won’t work for her, and though she reached to claw at the carpet with her good front leg it’s not enough to give her purchase. In the span of time it takes him to get to her she cries pitifully, and  _God_ , it breaks him.   
  
It ripped something from his own lungs, something lost and broken that he doesn’t even fully hear because every ounce of focus he has is locked on her, on the little dog he scoops up to cradle against his chest.   
  
“It’s alright, sweetie, it’s alright, it’s alright…shhhh, Sadie, I’ve got you, ok? Daddy’s got you…” She snuggled against him, too warm nose pressing into his neck. She’s weak and trembling, but the worst is the sigh that leaves her, weary and exhausted, and he knows. He knows too much. He can’t be selfish, not with her, not about this. No matter how much he wants to be.   
  
At some point, he’s going to have to figure out how to get up off this floor.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
At first, he can’t be sure he can get any coherent words out at all. He almost called on the drive but he was already having enough trouble and it didn’t seem like a good idea. It wouldn’t have been, but as far as the actual call goes, coherency is probably a lost cause.   
  
He can’t stop sobbing, he can’t, but he can hope that some of the English he’s pushing out in-between will actually sound like words.   
  
“Jen, I….I can’t….Sadie, she’s….I had to take her to the clinic. If you could just…we’re here, just…just get here. Please.”   
  
The effort it took felt like enough to drain him, and even if they hate him for it, he can’t call anyone else. Not his family, not Chris or Steve or Jeff, not anyone. He’s too damn worn.   
  
From there, everything is a blur of light and sound and misery. He’s worked here nearly 5 years, and they all want to hold her when he walks in. So many hands reached out for her that he lost track of the faces, but he doesn’t let anyone take her out of his arms. Maybe that in itself is horribly selfish, but he’s past caring. He’s past just about everything. There’s just Sadie,  _SadieSadieohGodSadie_ , and the scream that’s threatening to break free, and the need for someone to help him shoulder this, because it feels like he’s seconds away from being crushed.   
  
It’s surreal, knowing the procedure. They update her paperwork as he sits passively on the floor, Sadie curled and still trembling in his arms. It doesn’t take long and then they leave him, shutting the door and partially shutting out the sound. Jared slumped down against her, shrinking as he cried into her neck. Her fur’s not as soft as it used to be. They stopped putting her through baths a couple months ago, when she got too fragile and unstable to handle being put in the tub. It’s a little rough, like it used to be when she ran wild on his grandmother’s land when they went for a visit, rolling in the dust and ‘helping’ with the cattle.   
  
This was going to take something from him he could never get back. Not just her, but some fundamental part of himself that couldn’t let her go. He knew it, and he couldn’t bring himself to care, not about that. There was nothing he could do.   
  
The sound of the door opening startled him, and he was just about to tell them he wasn’t ready(can he  _ever_  be ready?) when he felt Jensen’s hand close around his shoulder, pulling him back so Jensen’s arms can wrap around them both. His thoughts are jumbled, at first. How long has he been here, if he made it this fast? Has he completely lost track of time? It felt like 5 minutes, but he can’t be sure. It doesn’t matter, because the thought that pushes its way above all the others is the fact that he  _came_. He came, and even though his head’s still not caught up to everything around him and he’s not sure if Jensen’s  _said_  anything he can feel his tears that aren’t his own seeping through the cotton of his shirt from where Jensen’s head is resting against his shoulder.   
  
With his free hand Jensen reached for Sadie first, cupping her muzzle in his hand. “Is that my girl? You’re my best girl, Sadie.” She’s still whimpering, on and off, still trembling, but her tail flopped twice at the sound of his voice, and Jared nearly choked on everything threatening to drown him.   
  
He didn’t want it to be like this. He told his mom, months ago, that when the time came, he wanted to be strong for her. He didn’t want to do anything to upset her, to make it worse, wanted to be able to instead be a solid comforting presence. He’s a godawful wreck, and an utter failure.   
  
Sadie cuddled closer at the hitch in his breath, nuzzling in against his neck again like she did at home, right after he picked her up. She licked him, and even though the move seems tired it’s utterly sincere, her eyebrows knit together with the worry behind it.   
  
She always takes care of him, in her own way. Just wiggles up beside him and makes it better, whatever ‘it’ is. Ever since he took her in. Harley can have his moments but he’s largely the happy go lucky goof, but Sadie, she’s wise. Old and wise and though he’s always called her his baby, he’s pretty sure she sees it the other way around, at least sometimes now that she’s older. He’s the puppy, the one that needs to be comforted. She worries, and he wishes he was better at this so she wouldn’t have to.   
  
“What happened?” Jensen’s voice is still thick, not to mention hesitant, but it’s clear he has to ask. Jared can’t blame him; he’d want to know, too.   
  
Jared shook his head, took a deep breath as he shut his eyes against the glaring lights only to snap them open again because he’s not done looking at her, drinking her in. Even like this, he still wants to see every glimpse he can. “I, ah…I got home. She couldn’t walk, she was…” Pitiful. Miserable. He swallowed, trying desperately to pull himself under some kind of control.  _For her, Jared. You have to do it for her._  “She’s done. It’s too much.”   
  
“ ‘M sorry I wasn’t-“  
  
“No. You came. I knew you’d be here.” Because even if  _they_  weren’t sure, even if worst came to worst and Jensen left for Texas in a few weeks and never came back, that didn’t have anything to do with how much he loved Sadie. That was separate. He’d become family for her, and Jared wouldn’t have kept him out of this for the world, not if he could help it. There was, too, the fact that he felt like Jensen’s arms around him were the only things keeping him tethered to some sort of sanity at the moment, but that was less important. He didn’t have to be sane. Sadie, she had to have her people with her. That was all that mattered.   
  
Jared couldn’t work up the courage to call them back into the room. Not after five minutes, not after much longer. Jensen finally had to do it, talking to them in a low voice as they got everything ready, moved it all down to the floor because through his stubborn refusal to move Jared made it clear that’s where it had to happen. She hated those tables, all slick and frightening. Here, she was safe in their arms.   
  
Jared slowed them up for just a second, holding out one shaking hand to remind them that he wanted her ashes. They should’ve written it down already, but he had to be sure. The thought of her ending up anywhere he isn’t is repellant, impossible. She can’t rest anywhere he can’t be with her.   
  
The end is maddeningly quick, disturbingly simple but blessedly peaceful, for her at least. Jared hunched over her, whispering in her ear with his fingers tight around her collar.   
  
“I love you, Sadie, I love you, I love you…”   
  
When they move to take her away they can’t pry his fingers off, until Jensen’s hand covers his own, squeezing as gently as he can.   
  
“ _Jay_. Let her go.”   
  
His grip shifted then, latched onto the only other stable thing he could find. His grip on Jensen’s hand is both crushing and absent minded because he can barely  _feel_  anything at all, other than disbelief and utter disorientation. This can’t be happening, it can’t.   
  
The first ‘don’t go’ that he whispers under his breath is for Sadie, but his throat gets carried away and keeps it up, and it’s not until Jensen pulls him as close as he can that Jared’s thoughts actually catch up.   
  
Jensen, though, was paying better attention. “It’s ok. Hey, listen, it’s ok; I’m not goin’ anywhere. You understand? Not anywhere.”   
  
Last night, he’d have grabbed Jensen and kissed him senseless for saying that. Nothing earth shattering ever, ever happens in line with anyone’s plans.   
  
‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’   
  
“You need some help with that?”   
  
“Someone shut him up.” Steve flicked the lighter again, tilted the last candle so it’d catch off the flame. Out on Chris’ back porch, they hardly ever used the lights even though the overhead fan had them. Candles were better, not to mention more entertaining to light drunk. Or in Steve’s case, to light at all. He tipped one too far once and nearly caught the rug on fire, and Chris has never let him forget it.   
  
In the center of the table sat a letter, a box, and a printed schedule, along with a bottle of Jack Christian pulled into his hand to pour from the second Steve sat down. Tonight is theoretically their celebration. At a board meeting on Tuesday Jensen was granted an opening as a lecturer for two horse classes slated for the fall, with the likelihood of him being able to take on more the following year. Wednesday, Jared had received a letter in the mail telling him he’d made the cut to be an alternate on the vet school list, that he was at the top of it and was likely to end up with a place in the class come August.   
  
Friday, Sadie’s ashes had been delivered to the clinic in a little wooden box. No one felt much like celebrating after that.   
  
With the shots poured, Chris raised his first, and though he gave Jared the chance to speak he ended up being the one to say something.   
  
“To our little lady.”   
  
Everything burned when Jared took the shot, from his eyes down to fingertips that itched for something he couldn’t touch. In the woods the cicadas were starting to call, a sign of the impending Tennessee summer that he was growing to love. Steve reached across the table, deft fingers brushing the woodgrain of the box before he lifted the bottle to pour everyone one more. He took his first, reached to the side and pulled his guitar into his lap. Sometimes, nothing more could be said. Some occasions called for music.   
  
Jared knocked his own shot back, turned and sat down against the house. Jensen didn’t even give him time to settle in before he was there, settling between his legs to lean back against his chest, hand resting casually on Jared’s knee. Easy, comfortable, beyond doubt. Whatever came next, it wasn’t going to end with Jensen leaving him for Texas, that much was certain. Maybe he’d tell his father in a month and maybe he wouldn’t, but it was the only puzzle piece they had left to fit and they could figure it. When it came down to it, there was really ever only one answer he’d  _needed_ , and Jensen had given him that.   
  
 _It’s ok, I’m not goin’ anywhere. I’m not goin’ anywhere._  
  
Neither was he. 


End file.
